By Kelly Dearmore
By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
"It is our understanding that following his performance at the Meyerson Symphony Center, Mr. Iglesias may stop in Farmers Branch to eat a late dinner or gas up his tour bus or visit a gift shop and buy, like, a ceramic armadillo or something. Perhaps a shot glass with 'Texan by the Grace of God' etched into it," said Councilman Alabaster Pooterfoot. "That's fine and all right and dandy. If he would like to be an official visiting immigrant of record, all Mr. Iglesias needs to do is fill out and file a visitation application, form B-642, in triplicate and have it notarized, signed by eight witnesses and submitted to our independently maintained Homeland Security office at least seven weeks in advance."
Newly enacted city laws dictate that traveling immigrants who are within Farmers Branch city limits for more than 45 seconds, legally or otherwise, are required to file a visitation application along with their full medical and employment history, credit check, hair, blood and urine samples, and a signed letter of referenced references and an officially sealed notification notice.
"It's just that simple," said Councilman Pooterfoot.
Most residents support the new visiting immigration measures. "It's about time," said local pie-eating contest judge, Jiminy Jefferson-Jackson-Smith-Johnson. "For too long, foreigners have been comin' over here and takin' all our iconic balladeer jobs. I know plenty of guys who're outta work and would love to be an internationally renowned mega sensation, but all those jobs either go overseas or get taken by cheap, illegal immigrant labor."
"It may seem a little harsh at first," said Reverend Timothy Glurber. "But if we don't act now we'll soon be overrun by all types: Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, Colombians, Canadians, Dutch-Irish, Romulan, Ewok. When will this war on the middle class end?"
When contacted, Iglesias' people stated that the Latin heartthrob, who was born in Spain and is now a citizen of the Dominican Republic, has all the correct paperwork filed and in order with all appropriate state and federal authorities to perform and travel throughout not only the United States, but most of the rest of the world. Also, he doesn't tour by bus. He travels on the back of a mystical, jewel-hoofed Pegasus.
Actually, Iglesias' people weren't contacted. There is no Councilman Alabaster Pooterfoot. Pegasus doesn't exist. If you haven't figured it out by now, this is obviously all crazy, stupid bullshit.
Or is it...?
Yes, actually. It is.
Or is it?
Yes. Yes, it is.