By Jeremy Hallock
By James Khubiar
By Observer Staff
By Kelly Dearmore
By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
1) Math question: If the DFW Underground Hip-hop Show, featuring GOAT & DJ Slim, D-Sinned, DJ Nemeses, The Subchronicles Crew and Lord Oasis, to be held at the Bone on Thursday, April 12, received any attention from the white press, how many people would show up to see the gig?
2) Two-part math question:
Part 1: The combined age of the members of Warrant, who perform at the RockHouse on Thursday, April 12, exists in what ratio to the number of hit songs the band has produced over its career?
Part 2: If you take the square root of the combined age, multiply it by 3, subtract the combined sizes of the European-manufactured leather pants worn by each band member, plus the number of times you watched the "Cherry Pie" video in elementary school, how many beers would you need to drink at this show before you raised the heavy metal finger sign with both hands and shouted "Warrant rules!"?
3) Essay question: Cheap Trick is playing with some band called Point Blank at the "Chevy Thunder" event in Sundance Square, Friday April 13. In 500 words or fewer, answer the following question: What the fuck?
4) List, in order of importance, the accoutrements needed in order to be the gothiest goth at the April 13 Goth Valentine's Day Party, starring Pointy Shoe Factory and The Alice Rose, at Secret Headquarters in Denton.
5) Essay question #2: Johnny Lloyd Rollins has begun a weekly Tuesday gig at the Barley House. How weirdly crappy is it that his excellent musical fare is overshadowed by his ungodly good looks?
6) Science question: It's still down the road a bit, but since a limited number of tickets will be auctioned off for charity (check www.hob.com/dallas for details), the grand opening House of Blues show with Dallas' very own soul badass Erykah Badu is a hot cultural topic. Considering Badu performs May 8, Joss Stone follows on May 9, and George Clinton and P-Funk round it all out on May 10 and that no one in their right mind would miss any of those shows, what parts of your anatomy will be very, very sore on May 11, and why? Answer key:
1) Trick question: The Underground Hip-hop show would never receive any attention from the white press. But anyone who has attended a Sunday underground hip-hop show knows that it's one of the most vibrant parts of the Dallas scene. Sometimes the groups nail it and rock the crowd, other times they, well, suck, but you're guaranteed a show unlike any other in Deep Ellum.
2) Part 1: 726.4:1
Part 2: .5
3) Who cares? We're there!
4) Black eyeliner
Dog-eared copy of The Bell Jar
5) Very crappy. Thing is, Rollins (joined on Tuesdays with his band the All-Nighters) is one of those odd ducks whose songwriting talent is obscured by something completely irrelevant. He puts a Beatles-y twist on Texas roots songs, or perhaps vice versa, with a penchant for smart lyrics and even smarter chord changes. But he's gorgeous, and that's all you hear about. We wish he were ugly. The musical world would be a better place if he had dandruff and a humpback.
6) Larynx from screaming "We love you, Erykah!" at the top of your lungs. Heart muscles from total adrenaline-fueled tachycardia. Gluteus maximus from never stopping dancing. Lungs from smoking three bags of...well, you get the idea.