By Kelly Dearmore
By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
1) Math question: If you throw down a couple hundred bucks for a pass to the Austin City Limits festival, which takes place in September and for which tickets recently went on sale, spend $50 in gas to drive down there and $150 on a motel room, how much money will you have left over for food?
A) However much 10 packs of Ramen cost...so, say, $1?
B) I'm sorry, this question does not pertain to me, as all my leftover money will be dedicated to beer.
C) I'm the cheap asshole who hitches a ride with you, eats crumbs off the floor mats, crashes on strangers' couches and bums drinks off hot chicks who give me their beer in exchange for going away, so I'm actually going to somehow make a profit.
D) It doesn't matter, because I will be so dehydrated and overheated from sitting in Zilcher Park all day that my leftover money will go toward paying the EMTs.
2) History question: When Glen Farris plays his subtle, dark and gorgeous roots/country/folk at the Double Wide on June 14, what creepy era from the past will be conjured up?
A) The Civil War
B) World War I
C) Yes, it's true that Farris' music utilizes a lot of piano and acoustic guitar and melancholy lyrics, which would give his work an old-school feel, but it's also infused with slow-burning electric guitar and other modern touches, so it's perfectly contemporary.
3) English question: Which of the following properly describes the music of Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, who performs at the Palladium Loft on Tuesday, July 19?
A) Catchy, keyboard-driven pop with ironically emo lyrics
B) Catchy, keyboard-driven pop with un-ironically emo lyrics
4) History question: Who the hell is Hot Tuna, who plays at the Granada Wednesday, June 20?
A) A mid-'60s group that was a side project of Jefferson Airplane
B) A band dedicated to a mélange of bluegrass, country, folk and fingerpickin'
C) The original jam band
D) I don't know, but "hot tuna" sounds dirty
E) All of the above
5) Math follow-up question: What is the combined age of the members of Hot Tuna?
A) 4,000 years
B) I don't know; they always fall asleep before I have a chance to ask them.
6) Anatomy question: When Dinosaur Jr. opens for the Black Keys on Tuesday, June 19, at the Ridglea Theater, how will J. Mascis' barrage of guitar mastery affect your body?
A) Your eardrums will fly out of your head, and you will have to pick them up off the floor.
B) Your brain, overwhelmed by Mascis' shredding and amp-busting volume, will simply melt.
C) The force of Dinosaur Jr.'s raucousness will make you feel as if you had been punched in the nose. When you go to the bathroom later, you will realize your nose has in fact been pushed back into your face.
1) The answer is D. We suggest bringing your own IV to defer insurance costs.
2) The answer is C, but it doesn't really matter, because Farris' songs are so amazing, they will blow you away no matter when you were born.
3) The answer is B, which sounds like Casiotone sucks, but the band—really just one guy—manages to pull it off.
4) The answer is D.
5) The answer is A. We know because they told us while we ate dinner at 4:30 p.m. at Furr's cafeteria.
6) The answer is C, and you will love it.