Waxing Survivor

I'm not exactly sure how you would go about this, but if you could smuggle a bottle of Crown past the American Airline Center's crack security team (the ones who broke a $50 compact during a particularly aggressive purse search at a Dixie Chicks show in December, thank you), you should do a shot every time BeyoncĂ© lifts her arms over her head and shows the world her armpits. You'll know it when you see it—arms up, coquettish pin-up pose, Vaselined teeth gleaming. Shot. Do a shot. And admire the most perfectly groomed pits the world has ever known. Seriously, there's not a bump on them—no razor burn, no unsightly deodorant clumps. You will henceforth strive for BeyoncĂ©-worthy pits. And there will be plenty of chances to see them, I promise. Girl doesn't take a photograph or execute a dance move without the power of the pits. So take a shot, or if you go the legal route, take a hefty bump of your $8 Bud Light and be properly soused to go apeshit when she finally sings "Crazy in Love." BeyoncĂ© and her sweet pits grace the stage at the AAC, 2500 Victory Ave., sometime after the show opens at 7:30 p.m. Tickets range from $49.75 to $89.75 and are available at ticketmaster.com.
Fri., July 13, 7:30 p.m.