Waxing Survivor

I'm not exactly sure how you would go about this, but if you could smuggle a bottle of Crown past the American Airline Center's crack security team (the ones who broke a $50 compact during a particularly aggressive purse search at a Dixie Chicks show in December, thank you), you should do a shot every time Beyoncé lifts her arms over her head and shows the world her armpits. You'll know it when you see it—arms up, coquettish pin-up pose, Vaselined teeth gleaming. Shot. Do a shot. And admire the most perfectly groomed pits the world has ever known. Seriously, there's not a bump on them—no razor burn, no unsightly deodorant clumps. You will henceforth strive for Beyoncé-worthy pits. And there will be plenty of chances to see them, I promise. Girl doesn't take a photograph or execute a dance move without the power of the pits. So take a shot, or if you go the legal route, take a hefty bump of your $8 Bud Light and be properly soused to go apeshit when she finally sings "Crazy in Love." Beyoncé and her sweet pits grace the stage at the AAC, 2500 Victory Ave., sometime after the show opens at 7:30 p.m. Tickets range from $49.75 to $89.75 and are available at ticketmaster.com.
Fri., July 13, 7:30 p.m.