Excelsior!

Excelsior!: Sometimes news comes that puts a spark of optimism even in the cold, bitter lump that is Buzz's heart, reminding us that yes, indeedy, hope never dies. Sometimes that ray of light comes from the oddest corner—from former Dallas police Chief "Weepin'" Terrell Bolton, for instance.

You remember Bolton, right? Dallas' first black police chief? Foe of former Mayor Laura Miller? The raging incompetent? C'mon, you 'member how in 2003 he bawled like a big ol' baby after he was canned, while complaining that after being dismissed in Dallas he couldn't even get a job as "dogcatcher" ?

Turns out he was wrong. Now that he's chief of police in DeKalb County, Georgia, he can even fire the dogcatcher. The Atlanta Journal Constitution reported Monday that Bolton decided to fire the county's new animal shelter director Beth Vesco, who faced criticism for poor, overcrowded, "desperate" shelter conditions that many supporters blamed on a lack of county resources. Hmm. Sounds oddly familiar.

Let's see: Bolton is police chief in DeKalb County, which is in the Atlanta metro area, which is home to the Atlanta Falcons, whose quarterback Michael Vick just pleaded guilty to charges related to dogfighting, which was defended by some as being part of black culture. Man, we just know there's a joke in there somewhere positively guaranteed to get Buzz's ass kicked, so let's move on, shall we? (Whew, the writer thinks, sweating nervously.)

Buzz apologizes to our readers last week—assuming we had any—for promising to reveal whether would-be Democratic sheriff candidate Peter Schulte is gay and then running out of space before providing the answer. Unfortunately, because of massive amounts of leafy substance abuse and some misplaced notes, we are still unable to recall the answer to the question that concerns many (Republican) people.

While we're on the subject of gays, cops and Republicans, however, we gotta ask you, did you see the news about Larry Craig, the very gay-unfriendly GOP Idaho senator who was busted in a Minnesota airport for purportedly soliciting sex by tapping his foot in a men's room stall? That has nothing to do with Dallas, really, except it prompts us to ask any gay readers out there: Really? That works? All these years we just thought those stall messages were dumb graffiti. Reeeeeeally? Man, there are going to be some rock-steady limbs in toilets around Dallas, we figure. Straight men's legs, we mean. Mostly.