By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Dear Mexican: A new line of Speedy Gonzales clothing came out earlier this year. As a black vendor in a predominantly Mexican market, I immediately thought about selling some of these items. I am 35 and, although I remember the cartoon coming on when I was a young kid, I can't really remember much about the cartoon with the exception that he was very quick. Is Speedy Gonzales a disliked character by Mexicans? I certainly wouldn't want my customers to think I'm being racist. ¡Arriba, arriba! ¡Ándale!
—Loco for Love
Dear Negrito: Sell away, amigo, but remember that the favorite Warner Bros. character for Mexicans is Tweety Bird. Nevertheless, you can make a small fortune selling anything adorned with Speedy Gonzales, the most misunderstood Mexican since your gardener. Real Mexicans love the little cabrón because he personifies everything grand about our raza: bronze-skinned, fast, always able to beat dumb gabachos and wearing a sombrero big enough to smuggle a pueblo across la frontera. Sure, he's a caricature and speaks in the classical Warner Bros. Mexican accent, but hating Speedy for those sins is like hating tequila because it gets you drunk. The best treatise on Speedy remains William Anthony Nericcio's Tex[t]-Mex: Seductive Hallucinations of the "Mexican" in America, the best book by an academic since How the Irish Became White. Nericcio makes a fine salsa out of pedantic college prose: For instance, his chapter on Speedy is titled, "Autopsy of a Rat: Sundry Parables of Warner Brothers Studios, Jewish American Animators, Speedy Gonzales, Freddy López, and Other Chicano/Latino Marionettes Prancing about Our First World Visual Emporium; Parable Cameos by Jacques Derrida; and, a Dirty Joke." We'd excerpt Nericcio's hilarious book at greater length, but the mad profe used up his plug with his titles—comprende editor, Bill? Read Nericcio's mexcellent blog at textmex.blogspot.com.
I've been on the same job for 25 years, and I've worked with many Mexican, Salvadorans, Guatemalans and Hondurans. Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that if there is a Mexican in the restroom, I need to avoid it for a good hour afterward. What is it about Mexicans that make them such nasty, foul bastards when it comes to a simple shit? The noise they make! Why do they make comments to themselves while crapping? Then comes the smell. Talk about gag a maggot! And this can be any time of the day or night and any day of the week. I've been all over the world and can honestly say a Mexican is the vilest person to use a public restroom.
Dear Gabacho: I can explain diets, rural upbringings and beans, but let's get real. Ever seen Blazing Saddles? Dumb and Dumber? South Park? Have you listened to Howard Stern? Men are obsessed with their feces—have been since the day God sneaked a fart joke into the Book of Isaiah—so it doesn't surprise me that the Mexicans you work with groan or yell while dropping a deuce. What is strange is the gabacho obsession with Mexican poop. Seriously, guys: Whether it's asking about Montezuma's Revenge, why Mexicans don't flush soiled toilet paper, or what's with Mexicans and beans, I have enough Mexican mierda questions to write another book. Get over it: Shit is shit, and yours doesn't exactly smell like roses, either, but we don't get our chonis in a bunch over it.