Teenage and Transgendered

On Valentine's Day 2006, three months before graduation, Amber Burden realized that she liked Jay James. She had a boyfriend at the time, but things weren't going well. Like many of her friends who had gone through what she calls the "bi-curious" stage, she'd briefly dated a girl sophomore year, but for the most part considered herself straight. She'd been "boy crazy" since elementary school, and perhaps because as a child she suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a baby sitter, she was often attracted to rough and controlling boys. This current one didn't get her anything for Valentine's Day. James did. He'd heard she didn't get a gift, and the day after the holiday he presented her with a chocolate rose. They began to flirt, and Burden broke up with her boyfriend.

For almost a year now, Burden had regarded James as a boy. At first, when she heard her friend Liz was "transgender," the only images she could conjure were of drag queens and transvestites. But after she learned more and got used to using male pronouns, it all made sense. "None of the girly stuff ever fit with her," she says. "It was how she looked, how she talked, how she breathed. I mean, it all screamed Y chromosome."

When James handed her the chocolate rose and began holding her hand in the library, where their group of friends hung out before and after school, Burden blushed and felt a rush of adrenaline. One night, they went to see The Legend of Zorro at the dollar movies. As they sat in the car afterward, James asked if she liked the movie. She said she didn't remember any of it. They sat, silent, for a few minutes. "I want to kiss you really bad," James finally said. "Go for it," she said. That kiss was the beginning of a relationship that was known to his parents but hidden from hers. She didn't expect her father, a truck driver, or her mother, a religious woman who worked for an insurance company, to approve. She was most concerned about her mother's reaction.

The couple spent some time at Burden's family's apartment but more at James' house. "After a while, my dad said, 'What are you doing over there that you can't do over here?'" Burden recalls. "He thought we were doing drugs. Sometimes we'd get brave, and Jay would spend the night, and we'd be making out at 2 a.m., praying no one would wake up." Burden wasn't a virgin, and she'd only kissed the one girl she'd dated two years before. When it came to sex with James, she didn't know what to expect. "It was new and different, but it wasn't really weird because no matter how you do it, it's still about the person you love," she said. "It's not all about genitalia for me."

When the two began dating, Charley Scarborough tried to be supportive, but he wasn't sure what might happen. His biggest concern was her parents' reaction. "I was like, 'Oh, they're gonna hate this,'" he says. "And they did."

---

On a hot day in September 2006, James and Burden decided to tell her father. The three of them were sitting outside the apartment complex in lawn chairs. "I don't know how to tell you this, Dad," Burden began slowly, her words trailing off.

"Why don't you use English?" replied her father in his direct, no-bullshit way.

"Jay and I are dating," she said after a pause, her stomach lurching as if she'd tumbled over the edge of a cliff.

"Oh, I knew that," he said, to their surprise.

"Just out of curiosity, how long do you think we've been going out?" said James.

"About six or seven months," her father said.

Burden was dumbfounded. He knew? How? Why didn't he say anything? "Does Mom know?" she said.

"No. And you're going to be the one to tell her," her father said.

Burden told her mother about the relationship later that afternoon. Just as she expected, her mother was shocked. "How long has this been going on?" she asked, her eyes welling up.

"Six months."

"She's never allowed in this house again!" her mother shouted, referring to James. Then she walked into the house and slammed the door.

Burden's parents knew Scarborough was gay, and they knew Liz had been Jay for at least a year. It never seemed like the end of the world. But when it came to their daughter, it was different. Her father didn't like it, but he figured she was 18 and could do what she wanted, even if he didn't understand it. To her mother, though, it was as if her oldest daughter were lost. She would rather Amber have been pregnant, Burden says, than dating a girl who wished she were a boy. Burden's mother blamed Scarborough and James, "that damn group of friends."