By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Dear Very Important Person:
On behalf of UT Southwestern Medical Center's staff, I wish to offer our sincere apologies for The Dallas Morning News' recent publication of our list of 6,400 people guaranteed special treatment in the event they become patients at any of our facilities.
We want to assure you that despite media-inspired controversy over the list's existence and our entirely pro forma denials, UT Southwestern remains committed to providing Dallas' privileged classes with the best care that money—specifically, your money—can buy.
We at UT Southwestern realize that Dallas has a long, proud tradition of kowtowing to its—how shall I put it?—betters, and that's a tradition our staff and administrators stand ready to uphold. Our caregivers are prepared to provide you the vital treatment sufferers of the vapors, gout, silicone poisoning and "nervous exhaustion" deserve.
In addition to free valet parking, escorts to appointments and guaranteed on-call medical staff, our VIP perquisites include the following services for selected donors...I mean patients:
A team of staff physicians specially selected for their small, warm hands, as well as the ability to speak English.
A VIP nursing staff composed entirely of former Hooters girls.
Double servings of kiwi-flavored Jell-O brand gelatin with every meal.
Padded alpaca wool-lined restraints for important patients undergoing delirium tremens as a result of nervous exhaustion.
Free Playboy Channel.
Special, anonymous care for mistresses or escorts who happen to suffer unfortunate accidental "falls," asphyxiation or nervous exhaustion. Curb drop-off service is available.
Each transfusion will be screened to ensure the use of only the highest quality blue blood.
A free kiss with every colonoscopy.
Valium! Valium! Valium!
Rest assured, important person, that we here at UT Southwestern know which side of the bread possesses the butter, and we are second only to Dallas voters in our slavish devotion to the well-being of the upper classes. Take comfort also in knowing that members of the management and editorial staff of The Dallas Morning News will be removed from the list of VIPs at once. Should the opportunity arise, we fully intend to repay the newspaper's management in kind for the pains in the ass they have caused both you and us.
Outgoing UT Southwestern President