Dallas Flashes Back to 1997

Oh, what a lucky man: In one of the most expensive deals in team history, the Cowboys and quarterback Tony Romo agree on a six-year contract extension worth a reported $67.5 million. On an entirely unrelated note that has absolutely nothing at all to do with the large pile of spondoolicks that Romo is now sitting on, the boyish QB is romantically linked to celebrity blonde Jessica Simpson, whose recent film made $384 opening weekend. Which, alas, isn't even a joke.

Hostage situation: A marathon three-month trial of seven supporters of the Holy Land Foundation, accused of conspiring to provide material support to the Middle East terrorist organization Hamas, ends with a hung jury on all but one charge (the latter resulted in an acquittal). Jurors deadlock on the remaining charges after U.S. District Judge Joe Fish informs them that "What the fuck, can we go home now?" is not considered an acceptable verdict in U.S. courts.

Come home, Jim: Dallas voters go to the polls to decide the fate of a controversial toll road along the Trinity River. Voters are asked to cast ballots either "for" or "against" a measure that would either halt the proposed high-speed multi-lane road or allow it to go forward. We're not sure which because, frankly, the road, which officials say could cost anywhere from $1.35 to $40 kabillion, is very confusing and not the sort of issue we here at the Observer concern ourselves with—except for columnist Jim Schutze, who last we heard in early November was squatting in a homeless camp on White Rock Creek, living on squirrel meat, preaching Marxist theory to winos and threatening "to bring the revolution home to the idiot bourgeoisie whether they like it or not," which we assume means the road, favored by developers and city leaders, passed muster.

Sauce for the gander: A drive by Dallas Deputy Mayor Pro Tem Dwaine Caraway to outlaw saggin'—a style of dress in which young men wear their pants low, exposing their underwear—stirs controversy thanks to the song "Pull Your Pants Up" by local rapper Dooney da Priest that contains lyrics some consider homophobic. Earlier in the year, Caraway had proposed an ordinance banning saggin', but backed off when informed that such a law could also prohibit exposed "whale tails" and "tramp stamps." "Oh, man, nobody wants that," Caraway says.

At least they're winning now: Cowboys fans suffer a severe case of sticker shock when the team reveals that season ticket holders could pay more than $50,000 per seat for "licenses" that would allow them to purchase tickets—at an additional cost of several hundred dollars each—at the team's new $1 billion stadium in Arlington. Team owner Jerry Jones defends the high cost, saying the figures apply only to the most expensive seats in the stadium's "lower bowl." Upper-level seats will be more affordable, Jones assures fans. "Provided you have two kidneys, aren't particularly attached to one of them and are willing to travel to Mexico, live professional football will still be in your price range," Jones says.

Ain't that special: The Morning News reveals that the UT Southwestern Medical Center maintains a VIP list of prominent and influential residents and donors who get special treatment if they become patients at the center's facilities. UT Southwestern officials defend the practice, saying it is common among hospitals nationwide. "What's the big deal?" a medical center spokesman asks. "So a few special people get some dinky perks like free parking and escorts to appointments. It's not like they're getting transfusions of blood from 12-year-old virgins or rejuvenating skin treatments made from the foreskins of boys...I mean, hypothetically speaking, as far as you know. Listen, is that tape recorder on?"

Charity begins at City Hall: To celebrate the season of giving, Dallas officials roll out their Orwellian "Lend a Hand" program, intended to discourage downtown visitors from giving money to panhandlers. The project urges the charitable to place money they'd otherwise give to beggars in boxes the city plans to place at several downtown locations. Mayor Tom Leppert praises the initiative and notes that the money collected in the first six months will go to the Metro Dallas Homeless Alliance and afterward to unspecified organizations. "There are always tons of people around City Hall looking for a handout, and I'm sure we'll find some way to put it to good use," Leppert says. "Maybe in honoring the Holy Trinity."