Babies are the scariest things on Earth. They shoot out of you all bitchy; they're drunk all the time, pissing and shitting uncontrollably; and they're totally selfish, greedy and rude. Are you qualified to take care of them? Should you even be allowed access to one of these angry vagina exiters? Here's a test: If you had a baby would you spend more time pointing and laughing at it than feeding and bathing it? Would you make fun of it for not knowing how to speak a real language? (Subquestion: Would you teach it a languagebut only the bad words, so you could get more time for pointing/laughing at it?) Seriously, thoughwould you punt a baby? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, stay away from the little drool 'n' poop factories. And you should probably also avoid the 2 p.m. Sunday appearance of author Jill "The Sweet Potato Queen" Conner Browne talking up her book, The Sweet Potato Queens' Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit, at Borders, 10720 Preston Road. It's a realistic take on making babies into actual people. The event is free. Call 214-363-1977 or visit borders.com.
Sun., Jan. 27, 2 p.m., 2008