By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
By Scott Reitz
Just when those of us slow to adapt to change had finally stopped calling it "Starplex," the Fair Park outdoor amphitheater that plays host to your burnout uncle's favorite prog-rock reunion shows has been renamed again.
Live Nation, the company that brought you House of Blues—the rock venue with valet parking and $17 beers that we'd needed like a testicular tumor—expects us to all start calling it TelephoneDirectory.com Super Centre or whatever. Because going back to "Starplex" couldn't possibly work. Sure, that name worked just fine when Coca-Cola owned the amphitheater's naming rights, but what does a company that has lasted 122 years by selling fizzy sugar water know about business? No, better to follow the example of Enron Field and Ameriquest Ballpark in Arlington and sell the naming rights and, while they're at it, throw in a "dot-com" for added longevity.
The simplest solution for those of us averse to that kind of bullshit is to just keep calling it Starplex. Maybe I'm just nostalgic, but I think that's actually a pretty cool name.
On the other hand, we could come up with another nickname for the place. Here are a few other suggestions.
Scorchplex. I always used to overhear people bitch about how hot it gets during summer shows there. "Gee, I know it's August in Texas and we're outside, but I didn't think it would be hot," they seemed to be saying. This name would remind people that yes, the amphitheater is outdoors and no, the outdoors still doesn't have air conditioning
TwoGirlsOneCup.com Center. If the name has to have a URL in it, why not try to find a sponsor that's a little more interesting than a service for people too lazy to use a phone book?
Amateur Porn Star-plex. In homage to the exhibitionists who are compelled to flash their breasts, give head or hump right out in the open during the rowdiest rock shows. It's impossible to see the stage from the lawn anyway, so thanks for providing something to gawk at.
Chocolate Starfishplex. Because most concerts there lately are for assholes.
No, It Hasn't Been Torn Down Yet Amphitheater. This would clear up some confusion for those who don't keep up with the Family Values tour.