By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Why won't Mexicans vote for a black man?
Dear Readers: Dozens of ustedes have sent the above question since the Iowa caucuses, forwarded mainstream media reports on this supposed phenomenon and cringed with me when pundits took as gospel Hillary Clinton pollster Sergio Bendixen's assertion to the New Yorker that "The Hispanic voters—and I want to say this very carefully—have not shown a lot of willingness or affinity to support black candidates." So, to all parties who buy into the hype: callensen el osico. Shut up. Stop with the racial pendejadas, and go tell your pols that sharing tacos with Mexicans for the news cameras is one step removed from blackface.
The negrito-hating Mexican voter meme floating around America these days is the biggest ball of political mierda since Tom Tancredo. It presupposes that Mexicans choose candidates based only on race, whether backing their own or opposing another. The funny part about this claim is reality: Mexicans largely ignored the presidential run of New Mexico governor Bill Richardson and have supported black politicians, from the days of Vicente Guerrero (the mulatto Mexican president who outlawed slavery in 1829) to big-city mayors such as Tom Bradley and Harold Washington, to even Democratic Party presidential nominee Barack Obama in his various Illinois campaigns and this one. Concluding Mexicans won't elect blacks because they've so far mostly sided with Clinton instead of Obama during the primaries is a continuum fallacy as ridiculous as the sorites paradox. In otras palabras: How many Mexican votes must Obama earn before people will stop insisting Mexicans won't vote for him because of his skin? Five? 1,000? All the banda in Texas? Heaven forbid Mexicans support a nationally known personality with whom they're more familiar instead of a first-term senator from a flyover state. And anyone ever think Mexicans are more inclined to vote for Clinton because they like her centrist policies more than Obama's liberal promises? But try telling either of those points to gabachos, who forsake logical explanations for the easier rationale that Mexicans just don't like negritos.
Are there Mexicans who won't vote for Obama solely because he's black? Absolutely—and they deserve deportation, just as anyone who refused to cast a ballot for Mitt Romney due to his Mormonism and not because the half-Mexican is a flip-flopping Know Nothing merits the damnation of Gehenna. If you need a better litmus test of potential Mexican love for Obama, refry this: If the man openly proclaimed support for amnesty instead of the qualified mumbo-jumbo he currently offers, Clinton would be reduced to eating at famous taquerías for the wab vote—oops, too late!
As for the Mexican's personal vote? He sided with Obama in the California primaries, but mostly because I despise the idea of the Clinton and Bush familias occupying the White House since 1980. But come November, I'll be stumping for the same candidate I've supported these past 52 years: MAD magazine icon Alfred E. Neuman. What, yo worry?
Why the hell don't Mexicans vote?
—Mexican-Loving Gabacho Political Candidate
Dear Gabacho: Consult above for the sorites paradox. Learn to ask specific questions lest the Mexican treat you like a Pikachu piñata. And submit a revised version of said pregunta—now asking the Mexican why Mexican voter turnout is so low—in the fall.
THE MEXICAN INVADES YOUTUBE! The Mexican now offers ustedes an online-only question every week through the powers of a pirated camcorder. Submit your video preguntas and responses at youtube.com/askamexicano, and view the latest edition every week alongside my regular column at dallasobserver.com. Preference given to spicy señoritas! And, as always, continue sending your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.