Trolling Right-Wing Political Blogs Proves That November Can't Come Too Soon

STUPID/EVIL RATIO: 97/3

HISTORY: In the early '90s, reporter and editorial writer for the Los Angeles Daily News; later wrote for the Seattle Times, became a Fox News commentator and joined Creators Syndicate, which currently distributes her columns. Has published books about the internment of Japanese-Americans in World War II (pro), illegal immigration and "Liberals Gone Wild" (both con). Columns have focused on culture-war subjects ("Voices From the Womb") from a more-right-wing-than-thou perspective (e.g., citing "President Bush's cave-in on government funding of embryonic stem-cell research"). Illegal immigrants get special attention, as do nefarious nonwhite Americans, be they of Asian ("Asian-Americans milking 9-11"), Arab ("myth of the Muslim hate crime epidemic") or African ("Sept. 11 brought home the lesson that vile ideas have bloody consequences—no matter how 'daggone funky' they may sound to mush-headed music critics") descent. Began blogging in 2004, mainly bringing Internet-response speed to the usual subjects, plus a few new tropes, including frequent accusations of "dhimmitude" against parties insufficiently hostile toward Muslims, including YouTube ("JihadTube").

MODUS OPERANDI: Parses news feverishly for offenses to her worldview. Has been enraged by the D.C. networking group Professionals in the City (for holding an event at the Cuban embassy), Jessica Alba (for "making pro-assimilation remarks") and Google (for bias in news-site affiliate selection, logos and search results). Does not spare conservative outlets ("P.C. at The Washington Times") or the Republican Party ("Is the GOP Lost?") when they run afoul of her interpretation of doctrine, especially on immigration. Attacks McCain on this subject, often without hyphens ("I don't want another George W. Bush open borders type in the White House").

WHAT TO EXPECT: Barring a dramatic reversal on immigration by McCain, will wash her hands of the whole election and concentrate on everyday liberal- and foreigner-bashing.

Ace of Spades
Ace of Spades HQ
ace.mu.nu

ORIENTATION: Fratboytarian

TONE: Retarded

FUN FACT: Scrupulously conceals his true identity, but accepted Blogger of the Year award from 2008 Conservative Political Action Conference in person, looking rather less butch than advertised. Recently celebrated in Time magazine's "First Annual Blog Index" as "conservative/libertarian answer to the Daily Kos," with sample quote about how "large segments of the black population" are anti-Semitic.

CANDIDATE: Undeclared

STUPID/EVIL RATIO: 99/1

HISTORY: Begun by Ace as a blogspot site in 2003 with off-hand political commentary ("Can you imagine a President who thinks like Al Gore?"). In April 2004, promised a transfer to the new address "right after we figure out how to make our site-design look less, what's the word? ah yes: faggy." New blog quickly mutated into rowdy multi-author scrum specializing in schoolyard taunts, e.g.: "Yeah, Bryan Singer is gay, but that's not really what I mean by 'art-fag,' " "John F'n' Kerry attempts to claim that only non-military pussyboys are attacking him," etc. Nancy Pelosi became "Granny Rictus McBotoximplants." Site contributors and readers became "morons," but affectionately, e.g.: "There's Hope For You Morons Yet: Woman Takes Out Ad to Lose Virginity Before 30th Birthday." Throughout good times (2004: "I don't plan on doing anything except gloat until Thanksgiving") and bad (2006: "Islamist Enemies Take Great Relief in Democratic Win"), contributors keep their spirits high with "not safe for work" links, often accompanied by moral dudgeon ("Something has seriously gone wrong in this culture...Ten years ago? Virtually impossible to get a young girl to do this.")

MODUS OPERANDI: Not much changes with Ace. Believes the Wright scandal "belies Obama's appeal to those of us who wish black folks well but honestly would prefer to be left the fuck alone to live our lives in peace"; disdains Clinton ("Seven Year Bitch"); agnostic on McCain ("he would rather lose a war than a political argument"). Has threatened to sit out the election unless McCain goes anti-immigration.

WHAT TO EXPECT: In the 11th hour, will remember that McCain is running against a woman or a black guy. Then, porn and car-crash videos all around!