By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Dear Readers: The paperback version of my book is out in stores now, cheap enough so that even a Guatemalan can afford it. Buy, por favor! Now, on to the preguntas...
Dear Mexican: Whenever I see the television show COPS, the white folks pull over and hope no one searches anything where there are at least three syringes, one crack pipe and enough pills that would make CVS Pharmacy look like a corner drugstore. The black folks are being pulled over for just leaving the scene of a domestic dispute being reported for slapping the bitch and kicking her new man in the crotch, regardless of the fact they have been separated, divorced and placed on restraining order at least TWICE in the last two years. But why is it that every time a cop tries to pull over a Mexican for a bad tail light or some other minor infraction, it turns into a high-speed chase, until all the tires are shot out and the wheels fall off, and then the Mexicans bail out and try to outrun the German shepherd? Couldn't they for once just pull over and take a ticket? I mean, the police are not the Border Patrol, and the police dogs are not, like, Chihuahuas.
—Gringo Out in the Suburbs
Dear Gabacho: COPS is hardly as credible a source in documenting the Mexican criminal mente as, say, Dora the Explorer. Not only do I rarely see high-speed chases involving Mexicans in the FOX program, but stats are also not kept pertaining to ethnicity and police pursuits. What bean-counters do know, however, is that foreign-born Mexican men are less prone to visit the slammer than your local Minuteman Project chapter will have you believe. A 2006 study led by University of California, Irvine, professor Rubén G. Rumbaut found only 0.7 percent of Mexican-born males in the United States were incarcerated, a figure more than twice as small as the 1.71 percent amount for gabachos. But not all is right in Aztlán: Rumbaut's findings also revealed that 5.9 percent of U.S.-born wabs are in the pokey. Why? Billions have been spent researching that question, so the Mexican won't bother with his thoughts except to add it ain't something inherently criminal in the Mexican soul—again, look at the jail rates for Mexican immigrants. Sorry for the downer ending, but if you want jokes to accompany unfunny Mexican pathologies, go yuck at Carlos Mencia.
I'm in love with a Mexican man who's very traditional in his beliefs. He has already given me a blue rose, which I will treasure forever. What can I do to show him that I have the same feelings for him? I've researched the traditions and am finding only things that the man can do for the woman. Does the Mexican woman not have any traditions in displaying her love for the man?
—His Spanish Eyes
Dear Gabacha: Of course our mujeres have traditions to show their affection for an hombre: wonderful meals, a kind heart and knowing their way around the ol' chorizo.
Why do Mexicans hate the word "wetback" or mojado? I grew up fighting all the time because my jefita from El Paso told me to never let any gabacho call me a wetback. But as I got into high school, I learned that you can really piss off a gaba by not affirming his racist comments. Whenever they would call me a wetback I'd just touch my back and tell the pendejos, "Hey, my back isn't wet." Thus, they would walk away so red that they looked like a walking pimple ready to bust.
—From a Fan, Ese
Dear Wab: Gracias for your inspiring tale, Ese. If all Mexicans had the same wit and gumption as you, we'd be able to retake the American Southwest with ease. As it stands, our zygotes will have to keep doing the trabajo.