Corporate Affairs

Sports teams have, for some time now, willingly pimped their reputation out to anybody for a buck—cough, American Airlines Center, cough—and now, it seems, rock stars are lining up to show they're just as big a group of whores (just in case you didn't think so to begin with).

It all started when Vans created the Warped Tour, but now every company in America with a little pluck thinks it, too, can sponsor a concert series. This month alone, Dallas will face the Vans Warped Tour and the Hot Topic Presents Summer Slaughter Tour (both this week), plus the Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival. All of this corporate prostitution of artistic promiscuity got us thinking: What other sponsors and tours wouldn't we want to buy tickets to?

Depends Diapers' We're Not Dead Yet Tour

Are you a trio, quartet or maybe even a quintet of classic rockers who has somehow cheated death by drugs, alcohol, sex and airplanes over the years? Are you anxious to get back on the road and make back some of the money you lost to bad investments? Well, it's time to think sponsorship. That is, unless you want to be playing cruise ships for the few remaining years of your lives.

Trojan Condoms Presents The No Regrets Tour

Double bill: Britney and Jamie Lynn, y'all!

Tampax's Fear the Uterus Tour

Back in 1996, an all-estrogen tour sounded ludicrous—but Sarah McLachlan dreamed big, and the audiences came in even bigger numbers. If she resurrected the tour today, you can be sure it would bear the stamp of corporate sponsorship.

Walmart's Country for the Undereducated, Xenophobic, Low-Expectation-Having Percentage of the U.S. Population Tour

Country music used to matter. But thanks to the unholy quests of so-called artists like Toby Keith, Big & Rich, and Kenny Chesney, all of whom shamelessly court Walmart's customers, the genre has nose-dived from already borderline respectability in the '90s to outright absurdity in the new millennium. Further exploiting what the corporation has helped do to the genre only seems justified.

The Honda Odyssey Minivan Tour

Honda Civic has a tour this summer. Why not a Honda Odyssey Minivan Tour for rock moms on the go? My money's on Melissa Etheridge headlining.

Glock Presents the Rappers Can Sell Out Stadiums Too, Muthafuckas Tour

Bullet-proof jackets and PR-cooked street reputations might help rappers sell albums, but they don't sell concert tickets. That's probably 'cause suburban white mothers are a little scared of letting young Timmy and Bruce come out to your ghetto fest. Why not allay her fears by scoring sponsorship from a company like Glock? It'd let fans know how just real you are and let Mom and the NRA rest easy, knowing that our kids will be safe and sound at such a well-armed affair.

Victoria's Secret Super-Sexy Secret Tour

Actually, you know what? I'd buy tickets to this. Doesn't really matter who's performing.