Jumbo Super Buffet

Buffet rounds I survived count: 2

Chicken lo mein burps per hour after eating count: 142

Located right next to a DART rail station (which is obviously always a good sign), the Jumbo Super Buffet sits tucked away in a parking lot corner just seconds away from a funeral home and crematory. So, if you do happen to get food poisoning from that sushi they're serving up, they can have you comfortably 6 feet under in minutes. That right there is called customer service.

If I do live through my meal here, I could survive in the Jumbo Super Buffet shopping center parking lot forever. It's got a Bed, Bath and Beyond for all my bedding, bathing and beyonding needs, a Planned Parenthood for all the hoo-hoo drugs and boob massages I could ever want and the aforementioned Jumbo Super for all my various fried cravings and weird pizza needs. (I actually don't want to know what was on their pizza. It looked like pepperoni, but it didn't smell like pepperoni at all. But I didn't ask because Buffet Rule No. 1 is you don't ask questions about the buffet. I'm sure I'd much rather live with the ambiguity than the reality anyway.) All it's missing is a tanning bed place or a Vespa store or a Yippy's Pretentious Dog Washeria (Lazy as Fuck? Bring Us That Baby Rat You Call a Dog, Pay Us $80 and We'll Put a Bow on It and Call It Soooo Cute!) so I could have something to point and laugh at all day that's also much less likely to stab me than the guy on the corner in a cow suit holding a sign that says, "These deals are udderly ridiculous!"

As its name would suggest, Jumbo Super Buffet is most definitely jumbo. Inside, there are three buffets with everything ranging from beef with broccoli to onion rings and frozen yogurt. For about seven bucks, you get as much food as you want from the all-you-can-eat "buffett." I had all kinds of shit: egg drop soup, an egg roll, some sweet and sour chicken, a wonton, fried rice, some chicken lo mein, sesame chicken, some more chicken lo mein, a lemonade and a fortune cookie, which told me it really hoped I hadn't had any of that pastel marshmallow dessert because "that junk is nasty."

Overall, the food was indeed jumbo, but not quite super. I'd go back for the sheer ridiculousness of how much food you get, but next time I'll put few more veggies into my meal plan. Three days and my poop train is still sitting in the DART station.

 
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1 comments
AdamsonScott
AdamsonScott

A disgusting, crass, and NSFW review.  Does the writer's parents know she writes like a truck driver?

 
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