Slow and steady wins the race? Ha. Don't believe it, kid. Let us tell you how The Tortoise and the Hare really went down: The hare, after a night of tweaking with strippers, got the shakes on race day and ducked off the track to vomit. Repeatedly. The tortoise, meanwhile, was well-juiced on the latest, undetectable anabolic steroids derived from who knows what, straight from black laboratories in North Korea. An extra 30 percent growth in muscle density won the race. But that's cool, since the hare (no dumb bunny) had laid off a wad on the tortoise through a cutout with his bookie and retired to Aruba with his winnings, while the tortoise, despite a bad case of shell acne, went on to a career in professional wrestling. Happy ending, see? This, however, is probably NOT the version you'll see as The Storytime Theater presents a three-character production of the story at Bookmarks, Suite 1514 in NorthPark Center, at 2 p.m. Saturday, but we're all about truth-telling here, kid. Grown-ups lie. Get used to it.
Sat., Aug. 9, 2 p.m., 2008