To Kill a Sunrise

Who would win in a fight: The Eagles or The Eagles of Death Metal? Let's go to the tape!

In an odd coincidence, both The Eagles and The Eagles of Death Metal are playing Dallas this week. Which is as good an opportunity as any to compare the hard rockers with the classic rock geezers who inspired their name.

On the basis of how each band sounds, EODM would kick The Eagles' tailfeathers into next week. From the mind-numbingly boring "Peaceful Easy Feeling" to the epic pretension of "Hotel California" to the insanely obnoxious "In the Long Run," The Eagles' hits are inexplicably inescapable on classic rock radio and the stereos of boomers everywhere. The EODM, on the other hand, play fun, accessible hard rock perfectly suited to its role as the soundtrack for skateboard videogames and pole dances.

But how do the two bands stack up against each other outside of the music?

Not pictured: The rotting corpses of Don Henley and Glenn Frey
Kii Arens
Not pictured: The rotting corpses of Don Henley and Glenn Frey

Details

Eagles of Death Metal perform Wednesday at the House of Blues. The Eagles perform Saturday and Sunday at the American Airlines Center.

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Licensing

Don Henley bitches about corporate greed in interview and song, taking a stance that he'll never lend his music to commercials, even as his band signed an agreement giving Walmart the monopoly on its music and plays for the company's shareholders' meeting.

EODM have licensed songs almost indiscriminately to Microsoft, Nissan, Pontiac, Budweiser and countless others.

Winner: EODM. Henley is a sanctimonious, hypocritical prick, while Jesse Hughes and Josh Homme would never bother with such a stand in the first place. Sellout or don't—that's your business. Just don't rail against the pigs while feeding off the biggest sow of them all.

Fan Interactions

A fever-maddened Homme dressed down a punk kid who threw shit at him during a Norway festival performance with his other group, Queens of the Stone Age, threatening to kick his ass. Later, he sarcastically dismissed media hand-wringing over his liberal use of the word "faggot." It takes a brave 6-foot-5-inch-tall man to challenge a scrawny emo teenager. Frontman Hughes, on the other hand, comes off as a likable, friendly dude in concert and in interviews.

As for the Eagles: Want some up close and personal time with the band? No problem. In 2003, they accepted $6 million to play a single song (guess which one) at a private party in Manhattan. Tickets for The Eagles' shows run $45 to $175, while EODM costs $25 to $50.

Winner: EODM gets the win here. At least Homme won't charge you after kicking your ass.

Collaborators

Members of the Eagles have played with Linda Ronstadt, Randy Newman, The James Gang and Warren Zevon.

EODM's extended musical family includes Dave Grohl, Jack Black, Mark Lanegan and Dean Ween, plus, of course, Kyuss and QOTSA.

Winner: It's a tough call, but the great Zevon gives The Eagles the edge in this category.

Haters

The Big Lebowski's The Dude couldn't stand the fucking Eagles, endearing himself to many a like-minded critic. In a recent Rolling Stone interview, The Dude's actor, Jeff Bridges, said that Glenn Frey "gave him some shit" over The Dude's intolerance of the band. You'd think Frey would be too busy swimming in champagne or sledding on his mountain of dollars (or whatever he does in his time off) to get so worked up about not being liked by a make-believe slacker...

As for the EODM, Axl Rose tops the list of non-fans. He rolled out the limousines and red carpet for the band to open for Guns N' Roses on tour in 2006. At the tour's first date, he reacted to a less-than-enthusiastic crowd response by calling the band the Pigeons of Shit Metal and kicking them off the tour. The band released a smirking kiss-off press statement and collected payment for the entire tour.

Winner: EODM. If Axl hates you, you must be doing something right.

Verdict

Not the unanimous rout we expected, but EODM wins easily.

 
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