By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Dear Readers: So your presidential candidate lost (congratulations; McBama! Our condolences, O'Cain. Damn early deadlines...), and you can't bear the thought of living under his opponent's reign for the next cuatro years. Fear not: The other side of America's bullshit sandwich will save you! The Mexican hereby turns this column over to his Canadian fans—but first, a comment about my two-weeks-old column explaining Mexico's love for Clamato:
It was true moment of bookending the United States with Mexico and Canada that I read that Mexicans enjoy Clamato the way Canadians do. The True North Strong and Free has a favored drink (the Caesar) made with Clamato. It is similar to a Bloody Mary, but way, way better—and spicy, to boot! So don't wonder so much that Mexicans love Clamato, but instead wonder why Americans do not love it as much as both of their neighbors.
Gracias, hoser, for your comment. Now, on to la question:
Dear Mexican: Here in Canada, we have a huge problem with illegals coming up from the south, mainly to escape Bush or for our free health care. The solution is inspired by the same damned Yankees that we need to keep out: build a big wall. Problem is, we could never get enough people to build a wall like that. Do you think we can get some Mexicans to help us build this wall? Please make sure there are some single hotties in the group—I would love to have a Mexican novio.
Dear Hoser: Por supuesto. And with your generous offer, I think Mexicans can finally get over their hatred of the proposed U.S.-Mexico border muro. Let's wall those gabachos in, compañeros. Let's deny them our cheap labor and chalupas and Canada's affordable medicine. You betcha gabachos would make more incursions across both of our fences than a Sidney Crosby-shot hockey puck past a goalie.
There was a sports controversy in Australia (because here, sports rates above the drought). Cricket authorities banned the Mexican wave (what Americans call "the wave") from major sporting events because apparently people would get hit by any stray object flying out of people's hands while performing said wave. I know the wave first received international notice during the 1986 FIFA World Cup in Mexico, but Wikipedia says it might've been created in Vancouver for a marketing campaign for a soccer team called the Whitecaps. So, wouldn't it be called the Canadian wave? Because Wikipedia says the Commonwealth refers to it as the Mexican wave. At least, that's how I read it.
—Confused and Nasally Congested
Dear Aussie: Finally, the Mexican has found a dumber race than Guatemalans! Relying on Wikipedia for your information is like relying on a Mexican to handle immigration policy. No one knows the true origins of the wave, except that Mexico didn't create the crowd-stretcher—the earliest reference I could find for it in the Nexis database was a June 1, 1986, Toronto Star dispatch from that year's World Cup calling the Mexican wave an "odious North American import." As to why the English-speaking world except the United States refers to this sporting phenomenon as the Mexican wave...do I really have to answer that pregunta?
Being from Canada, most of our Mexican knowledge comes to us second-hand through the U.S. media. What we always hear about are the jobs that are refused by Americans, yet sought (or endured) by Mexicans. But are there any jobs Mexicans won't touch, whether for cultural reasons or others? What jobs do Mexicans take that other Mexicans look down on them for?
—Canuck Needs News
Dear CNN: Newspaper columnist.