Not even the curmudgeonly Larry David Can Make Woody Allen's Whatever Works work.

Character is destiny—at least for Woody Allen's Whatever Works. Allen's exercise in Woody Allen nostalgia opens with a snatch of Groucho Marx singing his trademark paradoxical assertion ("Hello, I must be going") and is powered almost entirely by the presence of a single, larger-than-life and less than likable figure.

Whatever Works is Allen's first New York movie after five years abroad. It's his first in even longer to center on the Woody Allen character—an urban, neurotic wise guy, here named Boris Yellnikoff and brashly played by HBO star Larry David. Toughened and (relatively) rejuvenated by David's aggressive performance, the Allen surrogate is introduced treating his café friends to a lecture on the "God racket," which segues into a rant against the stupidity of feel-good movies. Hah!

Nothing especially new—Allen wrote this script 30 years ago and intended it for no less a force of nature than Zero Mostel. What gives the material weight is the loquacious curmudgeon's derisive half-smile. Nastier than David's character on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Boris is a cousin to insult comedian Don Rickles or former New York mayor Ed Koch—a smug, self-absorbed, argumentative nudnik. Resplendent in T-shirt and plaid Bermuda shorts as he limp-lurches toward the camera to buttonhole the viewer, this yelling-kopf writes the check for a comic masterpiece that Whatever Works is unable to cash.

Why, just look at the happy couple, Evan Rachel Wood and Larry David. Wait...did you just throw up in your mouth?
Why, just look at the happy couple, Evan Rachel Wood and Larry David. Wait...did you just throw up in your mouth?

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Whatever Works Written and directed by Woody Allen. Starring Larry David, Evan Rachel Wood, Patricia Clarkson and Ed Begley Jr. Opens Friday.

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A former physics professor who gimped his leg in a ridiculous suicide attempt, Boris supports himself teaching chess to kids whom he derisively browbeats as "patzers," pint-size versions of the "mindless zombie morons" who populate the earth. Is there anything at all that could rock this schmuck's world? Whatever Works shifts into gear when Boris finds a teenage runaway named Melodie (Evan Rachel Wood) camped out in front of his anachronistically shabby downtown digs and grudgingly takes her in.

Of course, Melodie is also a type. Woody Allen looks at her and hears America singing. She's a cheerful, optimistic, winsome Mississippi belle—as her benefactor ungraciously puts it, "a character out of Faulkner not unlike Benjy"—so apparently stupid that she doesn't get Boris' sarcasm and even develops a crush on him. They "date" and, living out the Woodman's fondest fantasy, they marry. There cannot possibly be a happy ending, can there?

The wonder of Melodie's character is that she manages to internalize Boris' crabby, karping worldview while maintaining her sweet and tolerant disposition. Sex aside, Yellnikoff's cronies wonder what he sees in her. "She keeps me company at the emergency room when I'm convinced my mosquito bite is a melanoma," he explains. It's less apparent what Melodie sees in him, until her estranged parents, Marietta (Patricia Clarkson) and John (Ed Begley Jr.), arrive. The very sight of Boris is enough to make Marietta swoon in terror. Still, the introduction of these well-off, white-bread, Jesus-praising "aborigines," as their son-in-law characterizes them, serves to upstage and hence diminish Allen's antihero even as Allen's own narcissism is globalized—there's no one so primitive they won't be grateful for an introduction to Manhattan sophistication. No less than their daughter, the yokels come to New York and, casting off the shackles of their benighted upbringings, go native. It is at this point that the movie dons its jammies and goes to sleep.

Like previous Woody Allen characters, Boris is allowed to directly address the audience: "I'm the only one who sees the big picture," he explains. But what sort of perspective is there when a movie that goes out of its way to mock It's a Wonderful Life winds up even more lazily pandering? To drown Boris' bitterness in a sickly vat of Manischewitz is the aesthetic equivalent of depraved indifference. Whatever Works illustrates, even as it names, Allen's artistic limitations.

 
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