By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Just do it: This can't be right. A highly unscientific "Trojan Pleasure Survey" undertaken by the condom maker finds that Houstonians are a bunny-like people and have sex on average 101 times a year, making it the No. 1 do-it town in America, far surpassing D-FW's paltry average of 73.
Buzz was a little suspicious of the numbers, which came our way from our sister paper, the Houston Press, particularly since we couldn't find mention of the survey anywhere else online and couldn't get anyone with Trojan or its parent company, Church & Dwight Inc., to call us back.
Now, Buzz would never stoop to accusing our fine sister paper of hometown boosterism or making stuff up (the way, say, Buzz does), but we're puzzled by the survey's findings. Houston is the hotspot for G-spot action, besting even San Francisco, which comes in at a paltry average of 60 sexy times a year? Surely, that's a mistake. But then we considered. Imagine yourself in a Houston summer—anytime between February 1 and November 30, we mean. No one in his or her right mind would want to step outside in that swampy humidity, especially since it's physically impossible to drive anywhere in Houston in less than two hours. So there you are, trapped inside with your significant other for months on end. What to do, what to do? ("Break out the condoms, honey. Looks like Law & Order is another rerun!")
Ah, but let's not pick on Houston, the finest Gulf Coast city in Texas, if you don't count Corpus Christi. We're talking to the city in the mirror here (note the nifty Michael Jackson reference). Wake up, Dallas! It's time to stop obsessing about politics, the Trinity River project, City Hall and the Cowboys and get down to spiffing up our civic image. With 8 kabillion titty bars in this burg, a lot of folks are getting plenty torqued up, but nobody's getting any? What's our new city motto gonna be? "Dallas: We Like to Watch" or "Dallas: Always Ready to Lend a Hand, If You Get Our Drift"?
This will not stand, Big D, and Buzz is willing to lead the effort to correct this egregious slander on our reputation. Sadly, Mrs. Buzz might have other ideas, so we can't do this alone. Go home tonight, Dallas, get naked and get busy.
Oh, and send Buzz some pictures while you're at it. We'll pass them on to Trojan and correct this dreadful mistake. We swear.