By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Dear Mexican: My family hasn't been long in this country, came here because of lousy treatment by other Europeans, and didn't live close enough to the southern U.S. border to have exposure to Mexico or Mexicans. So, anyone looking down on Mexicans can be mysterious to many of us who have migrated to the Southwest, like myself. My family wasn't part of the evil done to Mexico, and I have no racial or cultural prejudices. If anything, I just don't want to be clueless. In light of this, am I a gabacho, or is there another term to describe me? (I'm not trying to escape the negative, as my signature may show—just seeking accuracy.)
—Sin Pista y Confundido
Dear Gabacho: You didn't tell me what European group is your herencia—are you a mick? A spic? Bohunk? Honky? Kraut? Limey? Frog? Polack? Ruski? Maybe a vile Luxembourger?—so, sí: unless someone of European descent in the United States specifically identifies with an ethnic group or nationality, they're a gabacho in wab eyes. If you don't think the term applies, you can apply for amnesty with the Mexican consulate but must make a strong case you don't possess the gabacho mentality of Drinko por Cinco and Carlos Mencia when it comes to Mexicans—and even then, a bribe is a must.
At Catholic Mass recently, I heard the priest read from John 10:1: "Verily, verily, I say unto you, he that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a robber and a thief." This verse seems to contradict Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles Cardinal Roger Mahony, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, and other Catholic leaders' long history of encouraging illegal aliens to "entereth not by the door" to the United States, and then promoting "stolen" U.S. citizenship through amnesty when they get here. Jesus Christ, by his words here, does not seem to have those same sympathies, now does he, Mexican?
Dear Apostate: Actually, he does. You refer to the parable of the sheepfold, and like any good cafeteria Catholic, cherry-pick those parts of the faith that suit you while ignoring the Nazarene's actual intentions. In this case, you fail to mention that Christ was condemning those who tried to misguide his followers. Refry this for a reading: The sheep are the Mexicans, the eternal meek who shall inherit Aztlán, already in his sheepfold and in no further need of salvation because we're one of the few nationalities on Earth who give his names to our sons, and then mongrelize it to Chuy. Jesus is the United States, and everyone else is Man. Those who choose to join his sheep go through the gate of historicism, the gate that has seen the many sheep Christ/America has accepted and protected throughout the centuries; those who choose to snipe from the sidelines, who insist this country is broken—those are the damned, the Pharisees. And Christ wants more Mexicans and other immigrants; you forgot to mention John 10:16, where Christ stated, "And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, [and] one shepherd." The USCCB understands this, and therefore advocates greatly for amnesty for illegals when not covering up and apologizing for pedophile priests.
¡ASK A MEXICAN! BOOK CONTEST FINAL WEEK! In 25 words or less, tell me your favorite local Mexican restaurant and what makes it so bueno. I'll soon be traveling 'round los Estados Unidos on my trusty burro to research my upcoming book on the history of Mexican food in the United States, and I need places to haunt and cacti to sleep under. One entry per person, one winner per paper, five winners total for areas that don't carry my column!