Help! Those Mexicans Are Laughing at Me.

Dear Mexican: Why do beaners or gabachos deliberately try to ignore white people and act like they're not there, or when you're walking by, the lady beaners laugh so hard with a repulsive fake laugh that makes you want to just punch them? Not only I have noticed this, but a lot of other people say the same thing. Is it their secret way of saying, "Hey, notice me, I can have fun too!" It's just plain, right-out rude, and I wish these gabachos or beaner girls would stop already with that extra-loud, fake, irritating laugh. Why do you think they do this all the time? Please help!

—Too Outraged Near The Ocean

Dear TONTO: You know why the ladies laugh at you? Because you don't know the difference between a beaner and a gabacho. Shit, even Lou Dobbs knows the difference, and he's about as sharp as the edge of a tortilla.

I've recently been told that I am scary—not once but multiple times by different gabachos. The thing is, I've never considered myself intimidating, but have found that I need to be very confident in what I say in order to just get people to listen to what I have to say. Maybe a little background will help: I recently received a doctorate in molecular biology, and I was the only Mexican in the program. To date, I'm No. 2 to come into the program in the past six years. Anyway, I was a little unsure of myself and always looking for approval from my thesis committee. When I stopped seeking their approval and started to challenge them on everything they said, I started earning their respect. Now when I interact with others in my workplace, I'm confident and exacting in my questioning, but somehow this has translated into people being intimidated by me. I have to wonder—is it the brown skin that scares them more? I see others that are no different than me acting the same way and not having this problem. So, my question to you is this: Since you put gabachos in their place on a daily basis by calling them on what they say and hitting them with facts that are hard to argue with, are you considered intimidating by your brethren gabachos in the press room?

—El Einstein

Dear Wab: The current batch of gabachos around me? They're my pasty hermanos. The previous bola? Gotta comprar my bio, Orange County: A Personal History, for all the chisme. But basta con Lou Dobbs—err, me. Actually, sí: bastadobbs.com for more info on the campaign to tell CNN that the alternately hilarious/cringe-inducing Latinos in America was a mere quota fulfiller that allows them to justify keeping that lying gas bag on the air. On to usted: I'm not sure que piensas lo que your problem is. You're not alleging discrimination but rather that you think you intimidate others. What's the problem with that? Yes, you're as rare in your field as the truth on Lou Dobbs Tonight, but get over that: You made it. Camina proud. Take the nervousness of colleagues as proof of your chingón-ness, and leave the whining to Dobbs.

Don Hernando de Alvarado Tezozómoc was the grandson of Montezuma and the author of Crónica Mexicayotl. My question is: Are there any living pretenders to the Tenochtitlan throne who can credibly document their ancestry to Montezuma?

—Royally Intrigued

Dear Gabacho: None that I know of, and even if there was, they're wrong: the last true, non-conquistador puppet tlatoani of the Aztec empire was Cuauhtémoc, and he left no verifiable descendants. The grand martyr of the Mexica, however, did leave a message to future generations: "¡BASTADOBBS.COM!"