By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Dear Mexican: By now, I'm sure you're aware of all the hate crimes against Hispanics in the last few years. By now, I'm sure you're thinking that this is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not ¡Ask a Hispanic! But let me tell you that all the hate crimes against Hispanics have been because they've been thought to be Mexican and at least half—if not more—of those hate crime victims have actually been Mexican. So, my question to you is: Can't you pathetic losers defend yourselves? Not only do these white guys take your women, but they kick the crap out of you guys all over America. Take the Luis Ramirez incident from Shenandoah, Pennsylvania, for example. The racist pigs who fucked his ass up and killed him were found not guilty by an all-white jury. Why the hell didn't the Mexicans of Shenandoah come together and riot? That little tiny hick of a town would have been burned to the ground in a matter of hours. I mean, I can see why they hate you people so much. You disgusting things come here illegally, you don't bother to learn English and expect everybody else to learn Spanish. You guys like to use somebody else's Social Security number to work. I can go on all day long with the shit you people do. Basically, you people like to milk the cow that is America, but you do not feed it. It seems you all are taking over the whole damn country! Yet it doesn't give these racist cockroach motherfuckers the right to come after you all. Which brings me to my previous question: Why can't you spineless wetbacks strike back?
Ask the Mexican at email@example.com, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!
—Embarrassed to Be Latino
Dear Wab: Nice to know Latinos can be as stupidly aggressive as the San Diego Minutemen! To quote ranchera icon Vicente Fernandez, "La migra a mi agarró/Trescientas veces, digamos/Pero jamas me domó/A mi me hizo los mandados/Los golpes que a mi me dío/Se los cobré a sus paisanos." Translation for the gabachos and you, coño: better to beat bozos with punitive damages instead of putazos—the former hurt more!
I hear so many gringos saying that Mexican men are stinky and greasy! Well, I know from experience this is so not true! So, what's up with the misconception? I never met a greasy, stinky Mexican! And my mexicano novio is always very clean, never greasy and smells great! I am a gringa myself, so what's wrong with my people? Why do they think this way about mexicanos?
Dear Pretty, Sweet-Tasting Gabacha: The Mexican turns this question over to his Mexican, Dr. William Nericcio of San Diego State University, author of the scurrilous Tex(t)-Mex: Seductive Hallucinations of the "Mexican" in America: "Tales of ethnicities and nationalities being able to sense each other litter the history books and the floors of water coolers the world over; so it is that the Japanese can 'smell' Americans (apparently we OD on milk products producing an olfactory side-effect that floors Kyotans, Godzilla and more), Mengele and the Nazis could out a Jew on the spot with their rulers, calipers and measurements tables; and, of course, Mexicans...well, we just plain stink. Or so the story goes. No doubt the shared wisdom that declares we stink derives from the same source that says we're 'dirty.' Most, if not all of these tales derive from Pershing's American Expeditionary force that invaded Northern Mexico (with Patton and Eisenhower along for the ride, no less) in 1916. American fools from Maine to Poughkeepsie took their jingoistic xenophobia with them to the lands of Zapata and Villa and came away convinced that Mexicans were dirty—in this regard, they mirrored the motherland's, [England] view of the Spanish and joined a long tradition of loathing that characterizes the relationship between folks who speak English and those that prefer Spanish." Translation for us proles: Don't gabachos stink to high heaven?