By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Dear Mexican: I worked a summer job during college in southern Arizona during the late 1960s, where most of my coworkers were Mexicans from the state of Sonora. Their favorite expression when something was broken was no vale verga, literally "not worth dick" but actually meaning "totally fucked up." What happened with this expression? Forty years later when I use it around Mexicans living in Southern California, or in Mexico, they look at me like I am a gabacho tonto. Pregunta: Was this expression limited to a northern Mexico dialect, or simply a colloquialism that went away with the hula hoop?
Dear Confused Gabacho: No, vale verga is still very much around, and you forgot to mention its noun use to denote someone who is a valeverga—who doesn't give a shit about anything. I'll admit that vale verga isn't as popular as you might remember it, but only because it's in a curious realm of the Mexican Spanish vulgarity galaxy. Por one, vale verga's interjectional meaning is overshadowed by its synonym, vale madre ("worth mother"), because Mexicans have an Oedipal complex that would've made Freud forsake cocaine in favor of mescal. And the use of the penis as the object of ridicule in Mexican Spanish slang is very rare; la verga is more commonly the object used by the insulter to harass the insultee—witness "Chupa verga" ("Go suck dick"), mamón ("cocksucker," and not the delicious Filipino sponge cake), or "(Object of derision) pela" (Object of derision peels back the foreskin of a penis so he can chupar verga).
For a summer, I lived with a half-Mexican, half-Irish kid whose mom (the Mexican side) went lesbian after his birth. This family taught me to drink tequila and got me laid for the first time by white women. I am part-Native American and Jewish. Am I officially Mexican for this? If so, am I the most oppressed person in America?
—Looking for My Place in Line
Dear Injun Heeb: No for the first part; if by "oppressed" you meant "pendejo," then yes on the latter!
Mexican seafood cocktails look like the perfect summer lunch for a girly girl like me, but every time I go to a real Mexican place (the kind where Mexicans are actually customers and not cooks), the only people eating them are Corona-slamming, 250-pound bruisers in trucker caps and wife-beaters. I've never seen a woman eat one of those amazing-looking seafood cocktails. Why? My main question for you is this: Would it be a major faux pas/potential threat to someone's masculinity for me to order one of these?
Dear Chinita: No, seafood consumption in Mexico is enjoyed by men and women alike, but the place you're referring to is a specific genre in Mexican restaurants in los Estados Unidos: the mariscos joint, where women usually exist only as servers with too-low blouses and too-high skirts, and the men are there to slurp down food and knock back beers while ogling said servers. Women are allowed as customers, and you won't get too many stares if you enjoy dinner here, but such a mariscos place is the domain of men.
Why do Mexicans swim in the ocean with their clothes on? I mean, denim?!
—Vicente Fox's Mustache
Dear Pochos: This is by far the most-asked question in ¡Ask a Mexican! history. So, to todos ustedes, I have my own question: Are you all brown-and-chubby chasers? Like gabachos, an alarming number of Mexicans are out of shape. According to a 2003 study by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, 24 percent of Mexico's population is overweight. That's the second-highest obesity rate in the world, following—wait for it—¡los Estados Unidos! (A 2008 study found the same results.) Unlike gabachos, Mexicans respect the public when it comes to flashing our flabby chichis, pompis and cerveza guts—so we cover up.