By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Dear Mexican: Why do the Mexicans HATE American soccer and HATE (bolded, underlined and italicized) Landon Donovan?
—Uncle Sam's Army Brat
Dear Gabacho: Because Mexicans hate Americans—DUH! Geez, this is the literary equivalent of taking a penalty kick at this year's FIFA World Cup with no goaltender—but I also want to plug Gringos at the Gate, an upcoming documentary answering this very question with game footage and interviews with Mexican and American fútbol fanatics, former soccer stars and your humble scribe. I gave your question un cabezazo over to director Pablo Miralles, who delivered a bicycle kick of an answer (OK, OK, a yellow card for me for too many bad soccer metaphors). "On the first part: The average American doesn't give a shit about fútbol, so how can they be as good or even better than us Mexicans, who are the most passionate and loyal fans?" Miralles told the Mexican. "As for Donovan, Mexicans will say that the hatred comes from when, in 2004, he pissed on the field of the sacred Estadio Jalisco, home of the revered Chivas de Guadelajara. But the truth, I believe, is that when he won the Golden Boot at the 1999 Under-17 World Cup (being the first player from this part of the world to win such an honor) and later the Best Young Player at the 2002 World Cup, the realization for Mexican fans set in that, for the first time, the best player on the field when the United States played Mexico was NOT a Mexican. It's one thing to be beat by a bunch of over-educated, hard-working, physical brutos, but the talent, the technical skill, the style—these are the attributes of El Tri. 'So how can it be this güero is winning these awards?' think Mexican fans. Unacceptable!" Pablo: Your answer was a GOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
Why the FUCK are American Latinos sooooo goddamn exclusionary? I cannot stomach ANOTHER Latino awards show. You think Caucasians could have shows like that? FUCK NO!!!! What really set me off was the seeing the beautiful and talentless Jessica Alba and others supporting Latino children's medical cause. GOD DAMMIT, aren't all kids deserving? Fuck all you assholes! REALLY!! FUCK YOU! If this pissed me off so much, what the FUCK does it do to aggravate the freak Minutemen vigilantes? Please don't patronize me by saying the separation is necessary for the advancement of Latinos, because I know better from experience.
—I Hate You, I Really, Really Hate You
Dear Readers: My promise to ustedes is to answer all of your preguntas, but some are better than others, and the lesser ones fall into the conejo hole for years—like this one. I can't remember what awards show set off the wab, but I'm assuming it was something held by the fine National Hispanic Media Coalition. I do remember finding I Hate You's vitriol mildly amusing over a pinche awards ceremony, as if any of them are paragons of modesty. And his reverse-discrimination claim over Alba (believe it or not, the Mexican's third cousin once removed—now you know where she gets that big smile from!) and other Latino celebrities raising funds for chamacos would be funny if the medical needs of Latino kiddies weren't so dire compared to gabachos. Finally, his bit about segregation? Markings of a pendejo—ethnic groups in America have celebrated their own culture in banquets and benefits since the Jamestown colonists put up their first post, and Mexi ceremonies of any kind (Raza college graduation, quinceañera, or a carne asada Sunday) have more than a few token gabachos. In fact, betcha you'll find more gabachos at a wab hoedown than Latinos at a country club wedding (sorry, but the help doesn't count) on any given weekend. I Hate You's letter, gentle readers, is a letter you shouldn't write to the Mexican: angry, but with no real reason and yet not enough nastiness to make it truly distinctive. Want me to answer your pregunta sooner rather than later? Be more memorably stupid than I Hate You, be verbose, or write in about little people, Sheriff Joe "Arpayaso" Arpaio, fake green cards or anal sex.