Welcome, Cheeseheads and Towlettes! Let Us Show You How to Get the True Big D Experience

Howdy, y'all! I'm Andrea, lifelong Texan, and as y'all's tour guide, I'd like to welcome y'all to North Texas. Dallas is real happy to have y'all here, not least because y'all are from Green Bay and Pittsburgh, so Dallas probably feels like an actual vacation, although the frosty weather this week is more akin to what y'all are used to. For a minute there, w'all were worried folks would be coming in from Chicago and New York, where they have, like, museums and Democrats.

I've got a great weekend planned, and it starts right when you land at D/FW International Airport. (We're guessing you didn't fly Southwest Airlines to Love Field, since poor folks fly Southwest, and poor folks don't get to go to the Super Bowl.) Because don't any of us want y'all to get outta here without feeling like y'all got the full "Big D" experience—and locals always say "Big D" just like we always say "y'all" and ride horses to work at the, uh, oil farm—this itinerary is all about doing the most maximally Dallas-like things possible at all times. OK, everybody on the bus!

Just kiddin'. Dallasites don't ride buses.

Friday morning: Land at D/FW! Yee-haw! Have you ever been to Dallas before? I bet your answer is, "Yes, but only to the airport, because I was waiting on my connecting flight to Las Vegas." So if you really want to do the Dallas thing proper, just hang out in the International Terminal E duty-free shop for a while and catch a flight elsewhere. But if you insist on going to the football game, head to the rental car counter. If you're lucky, our celebrity guests like Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino haven't snatched up every last Semi-truck themed disco-lit stretch Hummer with in-transit performances from rockin' Dallas natives Drowning Pool. Let the panties hit the (brushed neon-orange Berber carpeted) floor, amirightguys?

Friday, 1 p.m.: On your way into Downtown Dallas from DFW in your Escalade (you did at least get an Escalade, right?) you'll see the ruins of what used to be Texas Stadium, the venue that was once said to have a hole in its roof so that God could watch His Cowboys play. We blew that mother up like a year ago and reused its steel to build a giant metal Texas with a real big football shot straight through it. That's real meta if you think about it, and we Texans think about Texas about 95 percent of the time, when we're not thinking about tacos. Anyway, the thing's on display now in Fort Worth, which is 40 miles away and filled with rabid jackals and untreatable strains of malaria. You're welcome to go check it out!

Friday, 3 p.m.: After checking into the 400-square-foot Uptown studio you rented from one of our illustrious debt-ridden, BMW-driving $30,000 millionaires, drive down to Dealey Plaza at Main and Houston streets, the home of Dallas' most famous—and only, but we don't let that get us down none—tourist attraction. Dealey Plaza holds dark and painful memories for Dallasites who will never forget that unforgettable day, that gray, colorless morning that signaled the end of an era, when Erykah Badu stripped down naked for a music video and walked down the sidewalk for a while. While you're there posing for photos with your pants down, get a shot of the X's marked on the street—the spot is also where John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963!

In the plaza you'll see a lengthy fountain that looks, and occasionally smells, like the piss trough at a honky-tonk. Feel free to use it as such. Dallas homeless dudes have been doing so for years. Whoops, did I say homeless dudes? Dallas actually doesn't have any of those because of our long-standing commitment to forward-thinking social welfare initiatives such as fining indigent people several hundred dollars for bumming change downtown in the weeks leading up to a major national sporting event.

Friday, 3:15 p.m.: Pop into the Sixth Floor Museum cafe and gift shop over on Elm Street and pay your respects to the memory of JFK with a $4 cupcake.

Friday, 3:30 p.m.: When you've had your fill of watching beautifully restored vintage film of President Kennedy driving to his untimely death projected up on the wall at the cafe, drive yourself back east through the heart of downtown, which should only take a couple of hours in traffic. Here, avail yourself of Dallas' storied shopping culture by stopping at Neiman Marcus and then EVERYTHING $1 and...back to Neiman Marcus. Jerry Jones personally sent a letter to every Dallasite assuring us that the Super Bowl would pump more than $600 million into the local economy, and we can't do it unless you buy a couple of pairs of Louboutins. Actually, better make it three just to be sure! Thanks.

Friday, 7 p.m.: Party time, y'all! Valet park for the 2011 "Leather and Laces" sexy party at Hotel Zaza, because there are no "good" street spots open, and by "good" in Dallas we mean parking spots that are five steps or less from your destination. Walking is the worst! But sexy leather and sexy laces—oh, and sexiest of all, sexy leather laces!—are the best! That girl from the Pussycat Dolls and some dude from Entourage are hosting. But if you can't get in because they've got a problem with your Steelers Crocs, remember that in Dallas, everyone can be a VIP as long as they spring for bottle service. Head outside, listen hard for a "Don't Stop Believin'" remix and the sound of roofies over ice, and go thataway. Fist-pump your credit card until somebody sets you and your closest, brand-new 15 friends up in a leather booth with a bottle of Grey Goose.

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19 comments
Banurse85
Banurse85

wow i live in Dallas im a bit insulted Thanks

Steelersby7
Steelersby7

I'm so happy for you guys from Green Bay. Ya jaguffs. Me and my bro flew in from Philly ahead of this minor weather event which seems to have paralyzed the entire world.We chose to stay at this CrownE Plasma Sweets because it was (a)close to the game (b) supposed to be nice.No hot water. Haven't seen a maid since Tuesday. But ya know what? I could care less about any of those things.The main problem is that Arlington really does seem to have taken this whole "girl" thing seriously.When we called *** Escorts everything was ok until we told them where we were staying. They said they couldn't send our {pizza} there.After two other services said the same thing we asked one of the guys at the bar.He told us to call ******* **********. Evidently they have the contract for this particular concession. So, is that perticular thing like a license they get from city hall? What department handles that.Or is that a contract thing with the police department?But, even this server had a bit of a problem with delivery.We had to drive down the street to the Trail Dust Steak House and pick the girls up. They wouldn't come onto the property unless they were accompanied so it'd look like we were all familywamily.It wasn't that big a bother, and no one cared because it was cold, snowing, and we were all so bundled up no one could begin to guess who we were.However, in the future maybe the online news like Observer could post a list of the local hotels and then the services that cater to each one or each area.It would make it a lot easier on us tourists and the local working girls.Gotta go. Time for more steak. Cheezesteak

St. Louis Guy
St. Louis Guy

God that's funny! I'm glad I couldn't afford to go to Dallas even if I wanted to.

Badgerstaterocky
Badgerstaterocky

This stinks. We should have stayed at that Windyham place. Instead we're out here in the nether regions in some place called Las Colinas and there's not a topless bar in sight.And the escourts here must be adding on perdiem and travel chrges because they're getting $500 for a one hour room visit.Just sayin.

Wisconsinjoe
Wisconsinjoe

I'm a tourist. I am from cheeseland. I used the yahoo search by zip to try and get weather info. Anyway, the window with the local news had a link to this article. I read this article as well as the others mentioned and all I can say is "I AM DISGUSTED"

I am disgusted that my room here at the Windyham didn't come furnished with tacos and tits.As for the debate in the one article about there not being 100,000 prostitutes in town for the game, that's a tossup.There is no shortage here at the Windyham. If there is any enforcement of the "no prostitutin' "law, it must be economically selective.

I say that because from all the reconoitering done by they guys in the bar here it sounds as if this place only allows very expensive hookers....er...escourts to darken their doorway(s). They are here though, and if this is any indication of what you have in your clubs then this is indeed titty heaven.As for the high prices, anyone who could afford to come here and pay the overinflated room rates and the price of the tickets etc....can certainly afford $100.00 for a quickie in the restroom or the $300.00 one hour room service.That's what I've heard the rates are. I wouldn't know.I intend to spend my spare time touring your riverwalk, skyline drive and all the other scenery. Where did you put the stockyards and Billie Bobs?Then we're all going to some place called The Lodge. The concierge assured us they have the best tacos in town.After that, maybe some room service. Thank you Dallas. You guys do it up right.

Thumbsupfortitsntacos
Thumbsupfortitsntacos

That was great! You should compile all your articles (Observer's Unofficial Guide....Football and Strippers...A Field Guide...) into a book and pass them out at the airport.As for the two so unhappy with this article, Lee and Steve need to get together and unknot each others panties.

DoubleDJoanie
DoubleDJoanie

Nativedallasite, Sunny...I'm with you.Yeah really for cryin' out loud. Everyone else makes fun of us so why shouldn't we.Anybody stuck with Jerry Jones deserves a laugh now and then.Tacos and titties - Texas traditions. Or at least Big D traditions..

Sunny
Sunny

Omigosh some of y'all are touchy. WE know Dallas is awesome, but if we let all them yankees know, then they'll wanna live here too... ssssh!

Well I thought the piece was hilarious. Tacos!

nativedallasite
nativedallasite

Looks like sandwiched stevie got up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe he and harvey lee woke up together?Both seemed to have missed the fact that this was a humorous article. I guess they actually thought it was a serious tourist advisory. Good grief.Passionate? Try D Magazine. Over there they love to tout and blather on about our many wondrous sights.The flat terrain. The buildings. Greyish brown air. Racial unrest.But hey - we do have that new Alligator Clappatrappa bridge to nowhere. That'll really bring the tourists in. Let's just hope they don't actually drive across it. Then they might see the real Dallas.We can proudly boast we have more sexually oriented businesses per capita than any city in the US.And more swingers clubs than anyone except San Francisco.Now that's why we get so many conventions. Or maybe it's that flat scenery and greyish brown air.There's also Dealey plaza....where sandwich stevie and harvey lee will be joining old Adolf Hitler and the mayor for a book burning later. Make that a magazine burning.You might want to print up some propaganda pamphlets too, and assure the tourists that JFK wasn't really shot here....but in New York or some place.And be sure and tell them we don't have more sexually oriented businesses per capita than any other city in the US. That'll put their minds at ease.Meanwhile, if a tourist happens to get his hands on a copy of this article, don't worry; I'm pretty sure they'll be bright enough to see that it's written in jest. As for "surface-skimming cliche-entrenched ---- writing" Sandwiched stevie gets the award there.

Steve Sandwich
Steve Sandwich

Well, I guess you get what you pay for: more surface-skimming cliche-entrenched shit writing.

What if someone wrote a passionate piece about the GREAT things about Dallas? I mean, I know Wilonsky can't do EVERYTHING, but Goddamn.

Plainsmanbiz
Plainsmanbiz

You can hear the mayor groaning.Ah well...the truth smarts don't it. :-PYou left something out though....Right after the passage: "And ladies, don't think you can't go too. Dallas is super liberated—women here can sexually express themselves both by dancing in strip clubs and by watching dudes watch women dancing in strip clubs!" should be: If'n y'all rent one of the "private rooms" you and your strippers can all get real liberated.Really! This is Dallas. And that's a breakfast you'll never forget.Note: If'n you and the missus decide to go for that "full four course breakfast" in the private room with the strippers of your choice, ya might want to leave the young uns in the limo under the care of the valet guys. They're the ones standin around that little pulpit by the front door. They'll probably have snow on their noses. Don't worry - that's just Dallas.

Lee Harvey
Lee Harvey

Andrea, you should move somewhere else you douchebag.

Smokey Problemson
Smokey Problemson

This is why I am becoming such a huge fan of Andrea Grimes.. I can see you love Dallas as much as I do, and it's so disappointing to see it get the details all wrong every time.. Like the Cowboys, such a hotbed of mismanaged talent/ energy.

Smokey Problemson
Smokey Problemson

Every time I'm in Las Colinas I get the sensation that there's nothing around me for miles, so I don't blame you. You kind of need to know the lay of the land out there, I think. Or do some internet research on the area.

Sunny
Sunny

Come on man, if you're in Las Colinas and you can't find a topless bar you're not trying hard enough. Wisconsinjoe mentioned The Lodge right there - get your Google Maps on!

Smokey Problemson
Smokey Problemson

Well played, sir! So glad you're enjoying our fair metropolitan area.

Bigmuskie
Bigmuskie

We did find it. After out taxi driver akhmed drove us all around. All the way down to that lollypop building in downtown and back. We realized we were being scammed, but as luck turned out we didn't get stuck with the gouge. Akhmed buried his taxi in a snowdrift and we took off on foot.We got a ride in the back of chrome plated truck full of native Texans who were also headed to that nice restaurant. Where else would people be headed on the ratty end of NW hwy at midnight in a blizzard?Anyway......WOOOHOOO.....that Lodge is the best restaurant I have ever seen.I cannot even begin to list the delicacies available there. What a menu.After they finaay made us leave we got a ride with an American taxi driver, and he drove us straight back to the area of Las Colinas where not much happens.It was there in the hallway we met Natalia Fantasia.She was playing hide and seek with big goobers in suits with the little walkie talkie gizmos in their ears on hooker (or escort) patrol.We let her jide in our room and she worked out a reward for us.Here, I would like to thank the Texas highway department or wjoever it is that's supposed to sand your roads and such.This morning she couldn't get her Mercedes out of the parking lot and the hooker patrol was still combing the building so we continued to, um, barter.I love this place.

 
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