Saturday, whenever you peel yourself off the carpet:

Rise, shine and visit some Texas steers at Pioneer Plaza, a collection of larger-than-life bronze cows and cowboys rambling through downtown. A century and a half ago, this was the Shawnee Trail Drive. Now, it's a lush, relaxing place for all those homeless folks who don't live in Dallas to not take naps in when they're not not hanging out at crowded downtown intersections not asking for money.

Saturday, 2 p.m.: Mosey that Escalade up north to Southfork Ranch, where the television series Dallas was filmed and which still boasts several different signature herds of locally raised shoulder pads and bouffant hairdos. Southfork's up by the suburb of Allen. Dallas suburbs are home to some of the best-valued real estate in the world, despite the foreclosure crisis. See if anything in subdivisions Resignation Heights or It's Really Only 15 Minutes To Downtown Ridge strikes your fancy.

Saturday, 5 p.m.: But Dallas isn't all high-rises and cowboys and martinis, evidenced by the neighborhood of Oak Cliff, just across the Trinity River from downtown. Oak Cliff's a hilly enclave that's home to a diverse mix of Latinos, black folks and hipsters who've dedicated themselves to restoring its neglected main streets and shopping districts to some glorious vision of the city they want to live in. Namely, Austin. Some here have complained of gentrification, but those people are just retro-thinking Debbie-Does-Downers. What's that, you say? You haven't seen a river? All you saw was a soggy, fetid marsh between a couple of levees that look like they'd overflow if an afternoon shower looked at 'em sideways? That, friends, is the Trinity River, the aquatic pride of North Texas. Off to your right, you'll see our signature $117 million-dollar Calatrava-designed bridge, which connects two of our favorite hang-outs, the industrial warehouse district where they make concrete, and the warehouse district where they do stuff with steel. Progress, y'all!

Saturday, 7 p.m.: Dine at one of Dallas' high-end restaurants run by and named for their celebrity chefs, like Dean Fearing's "Fearing's" or Stephan Pyles' "Stephan Pyles." Such nomenclature may reek of conceit, but in Dallas, we just call that "cojones," which means "expansive tasting menu" in Spanish. And that's about all the Spanish you'll see in our finer dining establishments, because while the city features authentic Tex-Mex, taquerías and down-home barbecue pits on practically every corner where delicious morsels can be had for near-pennies, that stuff is really for, you know, the ethnic crowd. Wherever you end up, try the mussels. They're local...to somewhere with an ocean.

Saturday, 9 p.m.: Consider taking DART rail to Victory Park, which is like the Times Square of Dallas, if Times Square were a manufactured multi-use development that has stood practically empty for years until literally like two days ago when a Nike store went in. Tonight's the big DirecTV "Celebrity Beach Bowl" event in the plaza, which will be held rain, shine or snow. All three are equally likely in Dallas in February. Actually, if you're in Victory Park, "snow" is almost guaranteed, knowwhaddamean—look for the guy with the frosted tips and the Ed Hardy jacket, he can hook you up.

Sunday, 11 a.m.: On your way out to Cowboys Stadium, stop in at any number of Dallas' widely respected strip club buffets for brunch along scenic Northwest Highway. In Dallas, it's not Sunday morning if someone doesn't have a spoonful of overcooked eggs and a half-chub. And ladies, don't think you can't go too. Dallas is super liberated—women here can sexually express themselves both by dancing in strip clubs and by watching dudes watch women dancing in strip clubs!

Sunday, 3 p.m.: By now, you'll have been sitting in traffic on Interstate 30 for several hours really cussing yourself for not opting for that Drowning Pool edition limo. If you're fed up, take matters into your own hands. Drive along the shoulder for a few miles before cutting in front of an electric Prius wuss-wagon and leaving the truck parked with two tires on somebody's lawn. Texans are real nice folks, and the residents inside will be more than happy to look out for your car while you're at the game.

Sunday, kickoff: Here, I leave you and your overpriced nachos to the football gods. Not that Dallasites believe in any god besides capital-G-God, the One who created guns, heterosexual sex and Dr Pepper, 'acourse. And don't worry about sobering up for the drive home—you'll have plenty of time to do that in the parking lot for the next six hours with 100,000 of your closest friends and newly made enemies. Good thing a Terrible Towel can be used both as a hankie and a weapon!

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19 comments
Banurse85
Banurse85

wow i live in Dallas im a bit insulted Thanks

Steelersby7
Steelersby7

I'm so happy for you guys from Green Bay. Ya jaguffs. Me and my bro flew in from Philly ahead of this minor weather event which seems to have paralyzed the entire world.We chose to stay at this CrownE Plasma Sweets because it was (a)close to the game (b) supposed to be nice.No hot water. Haven't seen a maid since Tuesday. But ya know what? I could care less about any of those things.The main problem is that Arlington really does seem to have taken this whole "girl" thing seriously.When we called *** Escorts everything was ok until we told them where we were staying. They said they couldn't send our {pizza} there.After two other services said the same thing we asked one of the guys at the bar.He told us to call ******* **********. Evidently they have the contract for this particular concession. So, is that perticular thing like a license they get from city hall? What department handles that.Or is that a contract thing with the police department?But, even this server had a bit of a problem with delivery.We had to drive down the street to the Trail Dust Steak House and pick the girls up. They wouldn't come onto the property unless they were accompanied so it'd look like we were all familywamily.It wasn't that big a bother, and no one cared because it was cold, snowing, and we were all so bundled up no one could begin to guess who we were.However, in the future maybe the online news like Observer could post a list of the local hotels and then the services that cater to each one or each area.It would make it a lot easier on us tourists and the local working girls.Gotta go. Time for more steak. Cheezesteak

St. Louis Guy
St. Louis Guy

God that's funny! I'm glad I couldn't afford to go to Dallas even if I wanted to.

Badgerstaterocky
Badgerstaterocky

This stinks. We should have stayed at that Windyham place. Instead we're out here in the nether regions in some place called Las Colinas and there's not a topless bar in sight.And the escourts here must be adding on perdiem and travel chrges because they're getting $500 for a one hour room visit.Just sayin.

Wisconsinjoe
Wisconsinjoe

I'm a tourist. I am from cheeseland. I used the yahoo search by zip to try and get weather info. Anyway, the window with the local news had a link to this article. I read this article as well as the others mentioned and all I can say is "I AM DISGUSTED"

I am disgusted that my room here at the Windyham didn't come furnished with tacos and tits.As for the debate in the one article about there not being 100,000 prostitutes in town for the game, that's a tossup.There is no shortage here at the Windyham. If there is any enforcement of the "no prostitutin' "law, it must be economically selective.

I say that because from all the reconoitering done by they guys in the bar here it sounds as if this place only allows very expensive hookers....er...escourts to darken their doorway(s). They are here though, and if this is any indication of what you have in your clubs then this is indeed titty heaven.As for the high prices, anyone who could afford to come here and pay the overinflated room rates and the price of the tickets etc....can certainly afford $100.00 for a quickie in the restroom or the $300.00 one hour room service.That's what I've heard the rates are. I wouldn't know.I intend to spend my spare time touring your riverwalk, skyline drive and all the other scenery. Where did you put the stockyards and Billie Bobs?Then we're all going to some place called The Lodge. The concierge assured us they have the best tacos in town.After that, maybe some room service. Thank you Dallas. You guys do it up right.

Thumbsupfortitsntacos
Thumbsupfortitsntacos

That was great! You should compile all your articles (Observer's Unofficial Guide....Football and Strippers...A Field Guide...) into a book and pass them out at the airport.As for the two so unhappy with this article, Lee and Steve need to get together and unknot each others panties.

DoubleDJoanie
DoubleDJoanie

Nativedallasite, Sunny...I'm with you.Yeah really for cryin' out loud. Everyone else makes fun of us so why shouldn't we.Anybody stuck with Jerry Jones deserves a laugh now and then.Tacos and titties - Texas traditions. Or at least Big D traditions..

Sunny
Sunny

Omigosh some of y'all are touchy. WE know Dallas is awesome, but if we let all them yankees know, then they'll wanna live here too... ssssh!

Well I thought the piece was hilarious. Tacos!

nativedallasite
nativedallasite

Looks like sandwiched stevie got up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe he and harvey lee woke up together?Both seemed to have missed the fact that this was a humorous article. I guess they actually thought it was a serious tourist advisory. Good grief.Passionate? Try D Magazine. Over there they love to tout and blather on about our many wondrous sights.The flat terrain. The buildings. Greyish brown air. Racial unrest.But hey - we do have that new Alligator Clappatrappa bridge to nowhere. That'll really bring the tourists in. Let's just hope they don't actually drive across it. Then they might see the real Dallas.We can proudly boast we have more sexually oriented businesses per capita than any city in the US.And more swingers clubs than anyone except San Francisco.Now that's why we get so many conventions. Or maybe it's that flat scenery and greyish brown air.There's also Dealey plaza....where sandwich stevie and harvey lee will be joining old Adolf Hitler and the mayor for a book burning later. Make that a magazine burning.You might want to print up some propaganda pamphlets too, and assure the tourists that JFK wasn't really shot here....but in New York or some place.And be sure and tell them we don't have more sexually oriented businesses per capita than any other city in the US. That'll put their minds at ease.Meanwhile, if a tourist happens to get his hands on a copy of this article, don't worry; I'm pretty sure they'll be bright enough to see that it's written in jest. As for "surface-skimming cliche-entrenched ---- writing" Sandwiched stevie gets the award there.

Steve Sandwich
Steve Sandwich

Well, I guess you get what you pay for: more surface-skimming cliche-entrenched shit writing.

What if someone wrote a passionate piece about the GREAT things about Dallas? I mean, I know Wilonsky can't do EVERYTHING, but Goddamn.

Plainsmanbiz
Plainsmanbiz

You can hear the mayor groaning.Ah well...the truth smarts don't it. :-PYou left something out though....Right after the passage: "And ladies, don't think you can't go too. Dallas is super liberated—women here can sexually express themselves both by dancing in strip clubs and by watching dudes watch women dancing in strip clubs!" should be: If'n y'all rent one of the "private rooms" you and your strippers can all get real liberated.Really! This is Dallas. And that's a breakfast you'll never forget.Note: If'n you and the missus decide to go for that "full four course breakfast" in the private room with the strippers of your choice, ya might want to leave the young uns in the limo under the care of the valet guys. They're the ones standin around that little pulpit by the front door. They'll probably have snow on their noses. Don't worry - that's just Dallas.

Lee Harvey
Lee Harvey

Andrea, you should move somewhere else you douchebag.

Smokey Problemson
Smokey Problemson

This is why I am becoming such a huge fan of Andrea Grimes.. I can see you love Dallas as much as I do, and it's so disappointing to see it get the details all wrong every time.. Like the Cowboys, such a hotbed of mismanaged talent/ energy.

Smokey Problemson
Smokey Problemson

Every time I'm in Las Colinas I get the sensation that there's nothing around me for miles, so I don't blame you. You kind of need to know the lay of the land out there, I think. Or do some internet research on the area.

Sunny
Sunny

Come on man, if you're in Las Colinas and you can't find a topless bar you're not trying hard enough. Wisconsinjoe mentioned The Lodge right there - get your Google Maps on!

Smokey Problemson
Smokey Problemson

Well played, sir! So glad you're enjoying our fair metropolitan area.

Bigmuskie
Bigmuskie

We did find it. After out taxi driver akhmed drove us all around. All the way down to that lollypop building in downtown and back. We realized we were being scammed, but as luck turned out we didn't get stuck with the gouge. Akhmed buried his taxi in a snowdrift and we took off on foot.We got a ride in the back of chrome plated truck full of native Texans who were also headed to that nice restaurant. Where else would people be headed on the ratty end of NW hwy at midnight in a blizzard?Anyway......WOOOHOOO.....that Lodge is the best restaurant I have ever seen.I cannot even begin to list the delicacies available there. What a menu.After they finaay made us leave we got a ride with an American taxi driver, and he drove us straight back to the area of Las Colinas where not much happens.It was there in the hallway we met Natalia Fantasia.She was playing hide and seek with big goobers in suits with the little walkie talkie gizmos in their ears on hooker (or escort) patrol.We let her jide in our room and she worked out a reward for us.Here, I would like to thank the Texas highway department or wjoever it is that's supposed to sand your roads and such.This morning she couldn't get her Mercedes out of the parking lot and the hooker patrol was still combing the building so we continued to, um, barter.I love this place.

 
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