On Bended Knee at The Response

What will Perry's prayer meeting be like? Science hooks an answer.

Miracle whip: Buzz is heartsick we can't drive to Houston this weekend to attend The Response, Governor Rick Perry's big prayer meetin'. That means we'll miss witnessing firsthand any miracles wrought by the convocation of several thousand mostly white, Republican, viciously homophobic "prayer warriors."

The timing of the event also puts it in the middle of Buzz's weekly deadlines, so any effect from the rally will be well known by the time we next write. So we're left simply to speculate: What will The Response mean for Houston? Will that swampy city become a new Lourdes or a new Sodom, overrun by hordes of gay, male hookers? We're thinking hookers. And we've got the science to prove it.

Remember when the Super Bowl came to Arlington this year? Cops and serious, sober people like the Women's Funding Network warned us that the city would be overwhelmed by 100,000 prostitutes — 38,000 of them underage. They came up with these astonishing numbers using methodologies that looked like hysterical wild-ass guesses but were in fact, the anti-hooking forces swore, "science."

So Buzzed tried little scientific method ourselves to predict The Response's impact. We factored in several variables: the estimated size of the crowd (8,000 so far); average distances traveled; ambient temperature (112); and the odds that any virulently homophobic, self-righteous, extreme social conservative secretly spends his weekend fretting about window treatments and giving blowjobs in the park (34.2 percent). Our finding? Houston is about to be flooded by at least 37,000 twinks, bears, bubble-butts, trannies and assorted guns for hire.

To test our prediction we turned to backpage.com — that fine online marketplace — and located Andrew, a "22 5'7 140 lb 29w swimmers build hispanic green eyes S E V E N down to earth man looking to offer the best of my time and service to all generous gentlemen." Apparently those services entail a rather ornate jockstrap-looking thingy.

We woke him up in Houston with a call at 1 p.m. Andrew fuzzily admitted that convention crowds are good for business, though he doesn't see many prayer warriors. "I've had one person pray afterward," he said. He noted he had seven missed calls from the previous night. Early comers for The Response? "You never know who's going to show up," Andrew said.

He did seem a bit intrigued at the chance of a busy weekend, though. "When I've seen Rick Perry on TV, he looks gay," Andrew said. Yeah, but he's not, we pointed out. It's just that good hair.

"No," Andrew said, "I'm not into hair."

 
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12 comments
Lee
Lee

Nothing brings out the vitriolic bigotry like a group of people praying for the well-being of our nation, state, leaders, and citizens. How dare they demonstrate such lamentable selflessness and compassion. What's that song from "Hunchback"? "Topsy-Turvy"?

The Pagan Perspective
The Pagan Perspective

The damn shame about Gubner Goodhair's dog and pony show in Houston was not that he and his cronies could not round up enough pathetic sheep to follow their herd, even though the tickets were free... The real damn shame was that only a few miles away, more than twice as many people camped out overnight just to get help with obtaining state required school supplies, state required inoculations and food handouts for their kids, so that they could shift grocery money to pay for clothes so that their children could go to public schools.

If Gubner Goodhair and his legislative butt-buddies had spent a tenth of the time GOVERNING, that they spent ponificating and manipulating the people of Texas, these people would not have to endure the indignities of waiting in 100+ degree heat for pens, pencils, paper and crayons. Rick Perry can no more run the United States, than he has been able to keep the state above water.

If the Christian God has any mercy, it will not be delivered through Ranger Rick! The real inspirations in Houston today were clearly not the blow-hard preachers at a half-empty stadium, but the thousands of volunteers and donors who made it possible for those children to start school next week, and made it possible for those parents to make their own decisions about what "God's will" is for their children, without the influence of a bunch of egomanical, hypocritical blowhards, and a dead ended, closet case of a homophobic-homosexual politician, who is still using his political offices to bribe his social climber wife to play along with his charade.

Beelzabub
Beelzabub

So Patrick, how did you miss the 'Rick Perry caught w/man/aide/state official-on-his-knees' [which time/where] memo??????????????????????????????????????????????????????And no—it's not 'just the hair'!!!Re: prayer rally in HoustonNothing smells quite like the over-compensatory, fear-based actions of a deceptive LIAR!!!!!!!

AnotherIdiot4PresfromTX
AnotherIdiot4PresfromTX

Hmmm...I've been thinking this for years!! "When I've seen Rick Perry on TV, he looks gay,"

The Pagan Perspective
The Pagan Perspective

Thanks Buzz, for the "heads" up! I've packed the toy chest, scored the meth, picked up two bottles of "massage" oil... As memory serves me, those are the best bait for pickin up the low hangin "Fruit of the Lord's Loins." I'm gassin up the Subaru now, and I got me a reservation across from the old Summit Arena, 'cuz ya know... that's the new Bapticostal hang out for any properly pompador'd, "tongue-talker" for Jeezuz. After all, I haven't had this much chance for anonymous gay sex with married, Christian fathers since the Southern Baptist Convention had its last national conference in New Orleans. Damn, I couldn't walk for a month after those homo-cloistered, pent-up Pentecostal wannabes let loose in the Big Sleazy.

Nothin' kinkier than watchin' a fired-up evangelist, or a married republican state senator make a total lyin' hypocritical ass of himself, the morning after ya' made sure he couldn't sit still for a week, even if his "Family Research Council" membership depended on it!

guest
guest

ahemmm.......please add a *dislike button........

Leon, up here 40 miles north o
Leon, up here 40 miles north o

It is a prayer meeting. A time for people who believe and respect God to ask for his help and guidance.. "Science hooks an answer"? Science has never disproved the bible. Science has never proved anything in this vile article. "Viciously homophobic prayer warriors"? Name one...I had rather be in the company of prayer warriors than most other places the DFW area has to offer. Prayer warriors are the restraint of evil, not by just praying, although prayer is a good thing, but in our every day walk. And yes, Mr. Williams, we will be praying for you.

Jensational
Jensational

What is wrong with you, Mr. Williams? This is a prayer meeting that is welcome to ANYONE who wants to attend. Nowhere does it say that this is a meeting for mostly white people and to call Christians "viciously homophobic" is ridiculous. I am a 40 year old, white, Christian woman and I have no problem with homosexuals and neither does anyone in my church. As a matter of fact, they ( I can't attend because I have to pay for school clothes) are not the ones spewing out any hate of any kind. That is, however, what you are doing. Calling us viciously homophobic is typical of liberals and you will stop at nothing to make any person of any religion, especially Christians, look bad. I applaud Mr. Perry for having the balls to call for a day of prayer. There is nothing wrong with praying, worshiping our heavenly Father and asking forgiveness and giving thanks for what we have, that people like YOU are trying to ruin and take away. I hope that you will find God one day and that you have a change of heart. You stereotype white republicans with those from 40 or 50 years ago and you couldn't be more wrong. I'm not saying those kinds of Christians don't exist but the majority of us don't feel that way and we won't feel that way no matter how much you put it in print that we do. Shame on you for taking something good that good people are doing, not hurting anyone, coming together in fellowship to pray for their fellow Americans and their country and sh*tting on it. Like I said, the only person spouting any hate and/or rhetoric is YOU!.

jfpo
jfpo

Another white, 40-something "persecuted" Christian. Do you really think this gathering will be an ethnically diverse crowd praying for the legalization of gay marriage? I highly doubt it. Get over yourself.

Jensational
Jensational

I am not persecuted and this event is not about gays or legalizing anything. I never said it was so get over YOURself and re-read my post. And I do hope you saw some of it on video over the weekend because I do believe I saw people of all races at this event.

jfpo
jfpo

"I am a 40 year old, white, Christian woman and I have no problem with homosexuals and neither does anyone in my church." You do know that this event was sponsored by a well known hate group, don't you?

http://www.splcenter.org/get-i...

"Calling us viciously homophobic is typical of liberals and you will stop at nothing to make any person of any religion, especially Christians, look bad." You really want to contend that you don't have a persecution complex?

Putting our nation's problems in God's hands is not leadership. Neither is Perry's all consuming obsession with sticking it to the poor. Perry and other evangelicals need to brush up on the New Testament, as they seem to be forgetting a key message.

http://www.biblegateway.com/pa...

See? I read your post.

 
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