He loves a Mexican woman, but how can he trim time her extended family?

Here is my problem: I was raised in a typical gabacho family. My siblings and I all enjoyed a typical gabacho relationship. We are close as cats. I phoned my brother year-before-last and was gratified to learn that he was still alive. That call went so well I may phone him again next year.

But now, I am in love with a Mexican woman, and that word "family" has taken on a horrifying new meaning. When we first fell in love, I just wanted to be one with them. I wanted to grow a mustache like Vicente Fernandez. I wanted to buy cars just to park them in my front yard. But that was many weekends ago. Many weekends, and carnes and quinces. And Sunday mornings, with primos who I barely know, all crudo on my sofa. Me and the lady are still in love. Me and her family? Less so.

Help me, Mexican. I want to keep the woman and lose the family. My Anglo neighbors are complaining about the cars, and my liver cannot take one more little kids' birthday party. Till I hear from you, call me ...

—A Gabacho Besieged

Dear Gabacho: Sorry, but you're caca out of luck on this one. You only have one true point of contention here: Mexicans never let drunken cousins sleep on the couch — that's what the back of a pickup truck is for. The only advice I can give you for the next fiesta is to find the table in the backyard where the women, the pocho side of the family and the closeted gay cousins hang out and gossip. Oh, and morning birria helps in your liver repairing but bueno.

My carpool partner was illegal until three years ago when she got married. She said just like her gente need to learn English everyone else needs to learn español. What's that all about?

—Learn English First so You Can Debate Correctly

Dear Gabachos: It's all about the many studies showing people who speak two languages have a better-functioning, slower-aging brain. Learn logic first so you can debate correctly, pinche puto pendejo baboso.

If the money situation in Mexico, Honduras and other countries is so dire, where do the immigrants find the thousands of dollars to pay the coyotes to bring them into America? Would the money they pay for illegal entry not be better spent caring for their families? From what I have read, a thousand dollars goes a very long way in supporting a family in Mexico. Are they aware that the coyotes will leave them to die rather that face capture? Do the immigrants realize that their capture means their return to their country of origin minus the money they have used in the hopes of entry? Is it true that the Mexican authorities kill or imprison illegal entrants into their country? Why is this done when they expect kinder treatment for entry into the United States? I may have my facts garbled because I have no firsthand knowledge of how or why the people come to this country looking for a haven. I would appreciate an honest answer from a person of firsthand knowledge.

—No Name

Dear Gabacha: From a lifetime of savings and probably family loans, probably not (simple economics, chica), yes (it's the risk that goes with paying a stranger thousands of dollars for entering the United States), yes (that's why they do it again), maybe (probably not the killing, but for sure the imprisonment and maltreatment), hypocrisy (but blame that on the Mexican government, not the people), and because the United States is the greatest damn nation on Earth — after Zacatecas, of course.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! Keep sending in your choices, gente! Books, CDs, professors, non-profits, hot chicks — the more, the merrier!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

 
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17 comments
socialist_dictator
socialist_dictator

How can I become a coyote? I hear they hache alot of moola and get all the chicas? Is there a "how to" application I need to feel out? Or fill out as the case may be?

MikeG
MikeG

I am a gringo who has been married 3 times, to 3 mexican women and all I can say is amen brother. Even if the rest of the family is great to be around the Mother-in-law will drive you insane, and there is no escaping her will. Because Momma is right no matter what.

Unknown
Unknown

Who gives a c**p!!! You should all go back where you came from and leave this country alone, you are all scr*wing it up..go back and mess up your own country.

Fer
Fer

I'm Mexican and what the hell is this? I'm so sick of Mexican Americans living the typical and grotesque American stereotype that's painted on them and they accept it freely.

All my cousins in Mexico are doctors, chemists, teachers, etc, yet when you get to the US, Mexican Americans expect you to have a wild life of drunkeness and unhealthiness.

Just because you are born in a certain place, doesn't mean you have to be a certain way. I guess it's the identity thing... since people may feel not "welcomed" in the American lifestyle, they adopt a pseudo-culture claiming it's their roots. But hey! People in Mexico behave in all different ways just like people in the US, in China and in Japan.

To think that to be Mexican is to be all this crap in this post above, then something is seriously wrong with you and you are just an insecure little human being that follows word to word the stereotype that others have painted of you, just to feel safe. I guess for you it is better to feel part of "something" even a stupid stereotype, than to feel "alone" on this.

And sure enough, I know I will get tons of hateful comments from people that live the life just described above, claiming that "I'm not Mexican" or that "I'm embarrased to be Mexican"... like others in the US have told me. I'm not embarrased. I'm 100% Mexican, because being of a certain nationality just means you were born in certain land territory, nothing else. It shouldn't define your degree of healthiness, respect for your neighbors, or anything else.

Diana Estrada Avila
Diana Estrada Avila

Dear Mexican, I am guerita, but CHILANGA de CORAZON; having said that, I'm fluent in SIX languages, can cook, dance, and clean better than any "latina" I know; I mean no ofensa, solo que being spanish is a WAY OF LIFE, not mere determined by genetics, or even blood line. I come from a familia GRANDISIMA, we hang juntos all the time, so these people that can't respetarse la familia, they should go marry some gabacho/a idiota if they don't value familia!!!diana estrada avila

Park Steven
Park Steven

Dear Mexican, regarding the family issue and your suggestion is to go sit with the women and gossiping gay cousins is completely full of crap, or should I say caca. I am in the same situation and I find it equally as miserable. I try to comprimise and participate, I do not get the same consideration from my family obsessed Mexican partner. You Mexicans need to know when to cut Mamacita's and Tia's apron strings and have a life without them telling you how to do every frikking thing you do.

A gringo in Mexican hell.

Philip Melton
Philip Melton

WTF is this crap ask a mexican??? Ask them what how to go swimming without getting wet????

Manueldiera
Manueldiera

That's right Gustavo , Zacatecas , Mexico sobre todo San Jose in Sombrerete

Info
Info

I watched true blood the other day and some panther people tried to turn a guy into a panther by biting him and passing on their panther DNA. So maybe you should try letting a coyote bite you.

spider
spider

Get the book Coyoteing for dummies. On sale at liberal book stores everywhere.

Bill T.
Bill T.

Well, you got the asshole part down pat, I'd say you're well on your way.

Info
Info

Where did your people come from dumb ass? do you even know?Why don';t you and your stupid momma go back there.

Wendie Meza
Wendie Meza

you have got to be kidding, Bush broke the world and you want to blame immigrants for the state of the US? typic

Valmardaidie4
Valmardaidie4

I thank u r very wrong about what u r saying, yes there may be sum mexicans that come over here to tha U.S.A. and all they wont to do is get drunk and not care,but there is also a bunch of mexicans that work and work very hard to make money and save and then go back to there homeland. Or if not they try to make a better future for there children. And one more thang if u get to thankin about it its almost or shoulde i say 99.9% of mexicans that do all tha hard work like workin out in tha sun buildin house,companys and workin for tha city, etc. So to end all this on what im tryin to tell u juss like there is bad mexicans there r good ones juss like there is bad gringos there r good ones,there is a lil of all thank u very much and may god bless u......

Bdsteven1000000
Bdsteven1000000

True that Valmardaidie4.Amen .May GOD bless you and your's.Peace be w/you.. Vie'oss con de ohus, LOLS .Too bad there's so much Hate,and much more Love,..never say never.(Go With God)....

 
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