As It Tries to Bolt the Big 12, The Joke's On Texas A&M (Again)

A Texas A&M Aggie, a Texas Longhorn and an SMU Mustang are handed blindfolds and cigarettes. Asked for their last words, the Longhorn attempts to distract the firing squad by screaming "Earthquake!" The Mustang yells "Tornado!" Shrieks the Aggie, "Fire!"

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Aggies head coach Mike Sherman consoles his players after a loss to LSU -- a feeling they should get used to.

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• Texas Longhorns (Football)
• Texas A&M Aggies (Football)
• Southeastern Conference (Football)
• Big 12 Conference (Football)
• College Football

Here's all you need to know about the nauseating jealousy that prompted Texas A&M's recent attempt to get the Southeastern Conference to open its doggy door to the mangy, attention-starved Aggies: In July, the state once again held its annual 7-on-7 high school football championships in College Station. For a full weekend, Texas' best skill-position players converged on A&M's campus. Though certainly not illegal, the event amounted to a gold-plated recruiting opportunity with blue-chip quarterbacks, receivers and running backs being wined, dined, housed and entertained in the Aggies' backyard. The championship games were even played on A&M's Kyle Field.

And you know who complained about it? No one. That's right. Not even Texas.

And yet here the Aggies are, engaged in another round of burnt-orange-based bitching, trying their best to bolt the Big 12 Conference for the SEC. A&M, it has become clear, can't stand the fact that it's been lost in its rival's shadow. While Texas shrugs indifferently at the recruiting edge afforded A&M with the 7-on-7 tournament, the Aggies just can't stomach the Longhorns' latest toy: ESPN's Longhorn Network. The Aggies moaned so loudly about it being used as an unfair recruiting tool that the Longhorn Network, set to launch August 26, will not broadcast high-school games as planned. It will, however, still provide Texas with $300 million over 20 years.

The Aggies can't beat 'em, so they've decided to leave 'em.

The SEC released a statement over the weekend saying it would not immediately welcome A&M. But that's likely to change by mid-September. The only thing holding up the transaction is the fear of pending litigation from a Big 12 that only 14 months ago emerged from the losses of Nebraska and Colorado — according to commissioner Dan Beebe — "with more cohesion than ever." Whoops. The Aggies are (eventually) leaving the Big 12, and they're taking shreds of dignity and honor with them. And make no mistake: It was A&M that approached the SEC.

Why did the Aggie lose his job at the M&M factory?

Kept throwing all the Ws in the trash.

The Aggies are simply envious of Texas' success. How else could you explain a desire to join a conference where you're going to have your shaved heads routinely bashed in? Five of the six teams in the SEC's Western Division — where A&M will land — are in this year's Top 20, and the SEC has produced college football's last five national champions in LSU, Florida (twice), Alabama and Auburn. Last non-SEC team to win it all? Texas, of course.

The Aggies are supposed to compete with that? With a program that won its only national title in 1939, earned its lone Heisman Trophy (by John David Crow) more than 50 years ago, has lost five consecutive bowl games and has never even sniffed a BCS game? A&M, this year ranked in pre-season Top 10 for the first time since 1999, won its only Big 12 championship in 1998. The Aggies haven't been nationally successful or regionally relevant since the days of Jackie Sherrill, R.C. Slocum and the Wrecking Crew defense.

Meanwhile, as Texas has won more championships (four) and earned more Heismans (two), it's also lapped the Aggies' financial bottom line. Last year Texas' football program made a profit of $70 million; A&M's entire budget was $65 million. So with the Longhorn Network the rich get richer, and the have-nots run and hide behind an adopted family.

Why don't Aggies enjoy their drinks over ice?

Because the one with the recipe graduated.

The reality is, A&M needs the Big 12 more than the Big 12 needs A&M.

While the Aggies will pay a buyout fee of as much as $30 million for breaking a Big 12 contract it signed just last summer, the conference, based in Dallas, will more than survive. Granted, in a perfect world A&M would stay and the annual Longhorns-Aggies game would remain a Thanksgiving-night tradition. The teams have been playing since 1900, the third-longest rivalry in college football.

"The board has strongly conveyed to Texas A&M its unanimous desire that it remain a Big 12 member," the conference announced recently, "and acknowledged its value to the Conference."

Instead, the Big 12 in 2012 might be down to nine teams. Invitations to schools like Houston, TCU or even Brigham Young could be looming.

"A lot of people are worried about A&M leaving," Texas coach Mack Brown said last weekend on ESPN Radio. "But Texas will be fine. I think the Big 12 will be fine."

Give credit to Texas Tech coach Tommy Tuberville. Way back in June 2010, with the ink not dry on the Big 12's new Magna Carta, he was already doubting the conference's shelf life because there was "too much disparity between all the teams." Tuberville arrived in Lubbock from the SEC, where network revenues are distributed equally. If Alabama strikes a similar Roll Tide Network, Auburn would get its fair share. Socialism be damned, the Big 12 is left with $90 million a year from Fox and $65 million from ESPN — but no way to capitalize on the success or the brand of its biggest program.