By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Fat, rested, ready: Buzz is back after a week's vacation spent camping out on Wall Street, fueling the fires of progressive revolution as we take back America from the crony capitalists and amoral fat ...
Naaah. Just foolin'. We spent the week in New England, eating large quantities of fatty food (which we can't afford), staying in nice places (ditto), shopping (ditto-ditto). Buzz's blood is now about 42 percent drawn butter, and our credit limit is a distant memory. Thanks for the loan, amoral fat cats! We're sure we'll pay it back someday, unless Occupy [Insert City Name] accomplishes its goals, which we're pretty certain include debt forgiveness for middle-aged credit junkies. That's gotta be one of their goals, right?
Buzz did find time to read journalist Michael Lewis' new book, Boomerang: Travels in the New Third World, about the fallout from the financial meltdown. Allow us to sum up: You're screwed, because humans are shortsighted, greedy animals who do dumb things like, say, charge vacations they can't afford. Apparently all that's going to have to stop someday, an awful prospect that would have us camping on the streets if we didn't prefer fountain soda to the canned stuff.
Whaddya mean, Who? Tom Leppert ... former mayor of Dallas, GOP candidate for U.S. Senate? That's OK, we also forgot he was running, which explains why his campaign created a website called EndOccupy.com, whose goal is to collect signatures on a petition urging President Obama "to denounce the angry Occupy mob." (Yeah, those Republicans just hate angry mobsters ... unless they're wearing tricorn hats.)
This is what Leppert wrote on Facebook:
"The Occupy Wall Street crowd wrongly thinks the government should be redistributing wealth and giving handouts at the expense of hardworking American taxpayers. They don't seem to understand the fact that only the private sector can create jobs and get us out of this recession. Enough is enough."
"Enough is enough," ironically, is what the FDIC said when it shuttered Washington Mutual Inc. in 2008 in the largest bank failure in U.S. history. Leppert was on WAMU's board, no doubt busily creating jobs by lending money to people like Buzz who now criticize guys like Leppert for doing dumb stuff like lending money to guys like us who now support — comfortably, at a distance — those hippies on Wall Street.
What? Did Buzz just hear you mutter the word "hypocrite?" Damn right, brother ... wait, you meant Leppert, right?
Find everything you're looking for in your city
Find the best happy hour deals in your city
Get today's exclusive deals at savings of anywhere from 50-90%
Check out the hottest list of places and things to do around your city