Have You Considered Occupying Monster.com?

Boom shaka-laka: Occupy Dallas called for a general "strike" by wage earners this week. We're not sure which day, because, you know, it's a fluid movement (in more ways than one). Whichever day it was, none of us were supposed to shop or show up at work. Ooh, better lay in that stock of patchouli and rolling papers now, folks, 'cause you never know when your favorite store will be forced to close its doors for want of workers.

That was harsh, wasn't it? Sorry. Been reading too many Internet commenters lately. Man, those guys really hate hippies, which seems sort of oddly quaint. It's like getting all worked up about phrenologists.

On a kinder note, as Occupy protesters have broken camps in the occasional fog of industrial-strength spray condiments, many thoughtful, intelligent political observers have praised them for calling attention to growing income inequality in the nation. This is, of course, a very important public service provided to all those Merle Haggard fans on the 'net and others who have been in comas since Billie Holiday recorded "God Bless the Child" in 19 freakin' 41. ("Them that's got shall get. Them that's not shall lose.")

Which is it? Hippie-driven failure or the flowering of a new progressive movement? Well, only time will ... will ... oh, shit. Let's just say it: fail. Epic fail.

Look, it's not that their cause, such as it was, is bad, but any political effort that kicks off with underemployed young people sitting in drum circles is doomed. The last people to gain any political traction that way were the Zulu in 1874, and they backed their arguments up with assegai. And they still lost to the British.

We called Grady Don Sandlin, music teacher and drummer with the band RTB2, to see if we were making too much of the drumming. Drum circles "never seemed like a very inviting thing, even when I was a hippie," he said. Sandlin wasn't knocking anyone's politics. He just didn't find Occupy Whatever particularly appealing. Though he often performs at benefits for causes he supports, he turned down the chance to play one for Occupy Dallas. As he put it, "You want me to work so you don't have to?"

Yeah. What he said. Maybe it's just time to call off any political movement that involves people who don't work, take vague, pie-in-sky, outmoded positions and dress or behave in silly, outdated ways. Oh, and all you retirees in the tricorn hats, we're looking at you too, you goofy bastards.