By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Move along: Another new year — time to take stock, clean the slate, roll out the cliches and take advantage of our editor's holiday cheer to slip by a few words of drivel about Buzz's New Year's resolutions.
Now Buzz is just shy of turning 50, so the mind is not as sharp as it once was, which is a nice way saying we are about six months away from a lap shawl, dribble cloth and spoon-feeding. (Jealous?) That means we won't likely remember whether these sins we're trying to abstain from are ones we committed or just imagined. But we're probably all better off cutting this shit out of our lives, so listen up.
Of course, Buzz is all about truth-telling, so we're going to honestly assess the odds of actually becoming a better person. Hasn't happened in 49 years, but you never know ...
1. If Buzz's wife attacks us with a knife, we will not call the cops and blame the disturbance on imaginary friends. (Piece of cake. If the lovely Mrs. Buzz ever comes at us with a knife — she'd have cause — the chances of our surviving long enough to dial 9-1-1 are slim. Besides, imaginary friends are all we got.)
2. We will ride a bike for exercise. (As soon as City Hall paints some bike lanes and the mean summer temperature here falls below 135 degrees. Anyone want to buy a slightly used bike?)
4. We will not call The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints a cult. (Magic-underwear-clad, caffeine-free, goody-two-shoes, short-sleeve-dress-shirted, homophobic goofs is still on the table. And don't get Buzz started on Catholics, Baptists, Methodists, etc.)
5. Buzz will remember the names of which federal agencies we wish to eliminate. (DEA. Three letters. Sheesh.)
6. We will not rack up huge international debts while avoiding paying taxes on our income from corrupt, non-productive government jobs, thereby threatening world economic collapse. (Not unless any of the many nations this describes lower civil service standards drastically.)
7. We will move to Greece. (Please, please, please.)
8. We will not take the Lord's name in vain. (Why bother? The GOP has enough candidates.)
9. We will not roll our eyes whenever coworkers talk about their children. (Until they turn away.)
10. We will not kill trees to make space for crap like this. (That's what the Internet is for.)