By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
For 14 years now, Buzz has written a summary of the previous 12 months of news in Dallas. Not to brag, but that's a pretty impressive stretch, taking into account that it means we've persuaded someone to pay us for more than 730 consecutive weeks. Pretty sly, huh? Countless more productive, contributing members of society — garbage collectors, high school teachers, mimes — can't make that boast.
In the time we've been recording local history, a generation has exited preschool, passed through the educational system and are now old enough to vote in their first presidential election. Too bad nearly every one of them will do so having never read this or any other newspaper.
What did the li'l ignoramuses miss while they were squinting into their cellphones and growing callused thumbs the size of bratwursts? Buzz looked back at some of our previous news recaps to remember:
2000, also shitty.
2001, Super-duper shi ...
You get the point. Suddenly cutting the world's news up into 140-character chunks doesn't seem quite so idiotic. If you gotta swallow a pile of crap, might as well keep the doses small.
Of course a normal person might conclude that the problem isn't with the times, but with Buzz. Normal people are annoying like that, especially when they're right. Regardless, Buzz would rather think we've been ahead of the curve. Only in recent years have the serious pundits read by normal people begun writing long, thoughtful pieces (#boring) about America's inevitable decline. Buzz, on the other hand, has been expecting the worst for 49 years and 11 months. Perseverance is our byword.
Not this year, though. In 2012, Buzz cuts against the grain. Down with negativity! Things are looking up! Things tend to do that when you're sitting at the bottom of a well!
Look, we know we've said this before — in January 2007, in fact — but Buzz is feeling the stirrings of hope. You probably shouldn't bank on that, since we were very, very wrong in 2007. Truth is, we have no clue what the coming year holds, but neither do all those serious, gloomy pundit guys. They just appear more credible because they wear ties and ironed shirts. All we're certain of right now is that benzodiazepines, Adderall and tequila over ice make a nice little cocktail.
But maybe it's not that mixture that has us uncharacteristically cheery. Perhaps it's the fact we're about to turn 50, the age some surveys suggest is the start of the happiest period of one's life. (It's also the age one can afford smooth tequila and good meds, but that's probably coincidence.) Whatever the reason, this year we're determined to be a little more positive. Instead of turning over the compost pile of recent history to find all the undigested garbage, we're singling out a few who made an impact on Dallas in 2011. In a few cases, we're even praising them.
Sort of praising them, anyway. Mustn't over-commit. Tomorrow, we could wake up hopeless, with a throbbing head and dancing the tequila two-step. Besides, as we said, a new cadre of youths will vote for president this year, and we've met some of them.
Pass the tequila.
Buzz's Man of the Year
We know what you're thinking: "Oh, Mr. Ironic is going to give poor Caraway another kick." But we swear on our mother's freshly dug grave (look, Mom, you're being helpful!) that's not the case. Buzz sincerely admires the District 4 city council member as much as we admire anyone in Dallas politics. Granted, that bar's set so low you'd need a shovel and strong back to find it, but consider these facts:
Caraway ended 2010 seeking cover from a shit-storm over his roles in the anti-wet side on the alcohol sales vote and his efforts to keep the cops away from a southern Dallas card room where he and his father happened to play poker. He entered an even bigger rain of poo in early 2011 when he called police Chief David Brown and reported a domestic disturbance. When reporters asked him what the disturbance was about, he blamed it on two surnameless friends — "Arthur" and "Archie" — who he said had argued over a football game.
His story sounded like the sort of thing Billy from "Family Circus" would gin up to explain a broken lamp, and it prompted the largest synchronized eye-roll in city history. Unfortunately for Caraway, the detectives Brown sent to investigate recorded their conversation with the councilman. After a two-month court fight with the media, the recording was released to the public. Turns out, Caraway had told police that he and his wife, state Representative Barbara Mallory Caraway, had argued over her decision to throw away some of Caraway's old kitchen aprons, and she allegedly attempted to carry the debate at the point of a kitchen knife.
In the middle of all this, Caraway, who served briefly as mayor after Mayor Tom Leppert resigned to run for U.S. Senate, decided to award Philadelphia Eagles quarterback and reformed dog-killer Michael Vick an honorary key to the city. The move angered many in Dallas who believe that the Eagles and their fans deserve nothing short of a key to the gates of hell. (When will they get keyless entry down there?) Some folks were pissed about the dog thing, too.
Another restaurant cliaimed to use fresh mozz arella cheese,where it's dishes were actually made with economy cheddar.the "fresh pasta"advertieshed on another meau tumed out to be frozen.--Agedate. ℃⊙M--a nice and free place for younger women and older men,or older women and younger men,to interact with each other.
Love the picture of JWP. Reminds me of a song that goes to the tune of “someone’s in the kitchen with Dina:
John is in the slammer with Lee RoyJohn is in the slammer I know oh oh ohJohn is in the slammer with Lee RoyyyyyyyyyDown on cell block row.
John is in the shower with Lee RoyJohn is in the shower we know oh oh ohJohn is in the shower with Leeee RoyyyyyyyyPicking up a bar of soap!
That stirring that you feel in your gut isn't *Hope*, it's IBS.
Also, somehow I don't think JWP plays "catcher". (ifyaknowwhatimean)
Please, please, please, I'm begging you, let's make a New Year's resolution to never display JWP in his hot pants ever again. Ever. Seriously. Pretty please with sugar on top.
Celebrating America's prison rape culture? No thanks. That should be a serious source of embarrassment for our nation.
You are the wind beneath my wings, Hulk. Well, actually, that wind is methane, so you're probably right.