By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Dear Mexican: It's so sad to see your wimpy answers. Your replies scream self-hatred and self-shame for your raza. No plan or desire to fix Mexico's problems. You're a puto with no huevos. My DREAM Act would be that you Mexicans would stop groveling to gringos, and scream about fixing Mexico, like WHITE PEOPLE did against the Iron Curtain thing. ONLY THEN will your Mexican self-shaming and self-hatred of your un-macho, puto, groveling raza change to real pride.
—Groveling is Puto Stuff
Dear Gabacho: No desire to fix Mexico? What's billions of dollars of remittances, then? Or those marches of millions rallying for amnesty? That's a movement as epic as Solidarity or glasnot. Pride for America? All I hear from Know Nothings is how horrible the Unites States is, yet they do nothing to improve it — they sound just like Mexicans used to until we started doing instead of crying.
Cada día me and my perro Manchas go for an afternoon walk in this North Denver parque. We often pass the gringo gentry who are temporarily "improving" the neighborhood as an investment. You know how the gentry are — they move into the barrio but send their precious güeritos to the charter schools so they won't get piojos from our kids or wind up pregnant with half-brown babies. Anyway, I swear, every time me and Manchas pass one of these purebred gentry dogs, the owners pull their pinches perros away from mine so they can't sniff cola or ... you know. I bathe him once a year, brush him daily — más o menos — and he doesn't even have piojos. Me neither.
How can the gentry know that he's Spanish-surnamed, bilingual and mestizo, since they've even never talked to us?
—Yankee Hipsters Go Home!
Dear Wab: I think what you're complaining about is the gentrification of historically Mexican neighborhoods by hipsters. It's important to fight the encroachment of pendejos with no ties to the area who start demanding changes — get rid of quinceañera shops, of crowing roosters, of cars parked on lawns. At the mismo time, though, raza really angry with gentrification should practice gente-fication, the process of young locals opening their own businesses to pump enough money back into the area so that city bureaucrats don't have any excuse to use the ruse of redevelopment on raza. And if there are hipsters who are respectful of the old guard, then I say embrace their ranks and teach them the secrets of scaring insufferable hipsters away by blasting Banda El Recodo at all hours.