By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Dear Mexican: I'm so perplexed by my Mexican neighbor. For one, he already has four girls, and I just saw his wife — and she looks like she's pregnant AGAIN! What really bothers me is that I live in an affordable housing unit. The rent is cheap and based on our income. He has a new Ford F150 truck, and his wife drives an older model BMW. Well, what bugs the hell out of me is that he digs in the apartment complex trashcans every freakin' day for recyclables.
I wonder if I'm just jealous, because he must make like $300 a week on all the stuff he recycles. If he's so freakin' poor and digging in the trash, why must he bring more children into the world? The city I live in has a no-scavenging law. I really want to report him, but I feel guilty. I feel like I should let him keep digging in the trash, since he has a family to feed. Also, I guess I'm nosy too, 'cause I wonder if they work? I wonder if they're abusing welfare? And I wonder how many freakin' girls he's going to have before he gives up on having a son.
Am I evil? Should I care less?
—Pocha Cabrona in Chino
Dear Pocha: You're not evil, chula, just pendeja. You — an assimilated Mexican-America — still have to live in affordable housing? So much for breaking the stereotypes of Mexicans as lazy peons. Meanwhile, that wab is hustling, digging through garbage for a couple of extra bucks — it's obviously working out good, since he's living a better life than your floja ass. More kids? That's his decision. Maybe you'd be better off in life if you picked through trash — but I'm sure you think that's beneath you. Meanwhile, you're wondering if your Mexican neighbor is on welfare when YOU are on the government queso. My immigrant parents, who always scrimped and bought massive trucks and SUVs because no honorable hombre should ever leave home without one, never took a dime — that is beneath them, since that's such an American thing to do.
I got asked to participate in a Internet radio show where I, as an alleged Mexican comedian, will be asked questions like, "Why are Mexicans so funny?" Since I'm as Mexican as a Del Taco stand, I defer to you for some wisdom that I can share to the show's four audience members.
Dear Wab: Have you talked to our pocho cousins? A veritable Comstock lode of material for ridicule there!