By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Dear Mexican: I am a 20-year-old tall, slender, blonde Jewish Russian-American. He is a 24-year-old short, muscular Mexican. At face value, you would never think we would work well, but we do. He is never down, always smiling and positive while I worry. However, I noticed he is the most prideful guy I have ever met. This New Year's, he invited me to go to Tijuana with him to meet his friends. Everyone warned me against it, but I was still up for it. However, I got really sick and worried on top of it, so I backed out last minute. He thinks I'm rejecting that entire part of him if I say I am scared to go to Tijuana to party. How do I win him back without hurting his pride? Was I wrong to fear Tijuana?
Dear Gabacha: If you were truly sick, then your Mexi has no reason to be angry. But if you don't like to party, may I suggest dating an Amish guy? Mexicans and fiestas go like "brown" and "down." And you were wrong to fear Tijuana — in the past couple of years, the city has exploded on the culinary map, with inventive chefs fishing the riches of the Sea of Cortez and the best street food this side of Mexico City. Yeah, areas of the city remain sketchy; just like any other big city, but don't let said threat of danger keep you away. Finally, how do you un-break a Mexi man's heart? A nice, big meal and a bout of the sexytimes.
Ever since I was a child, both sides of my family would say, "You are Spanish, NOT Mexican." I recently had my DNA tested. The report stated that I'm 53 percent Native American, 46 percent European and 1 percent sub-Saharan African. Just as I was getting comfortable with my Native American status, my brother said, "These results prove you are Mexican!" He claimed that a Mexican is just a Native American that got knocked up by a European. Señor, please tell me what I am: Native American, Hispanic, Chicano, Latino or Mexican?
—¿Paella o Pintos?
Dear Wabette: Does the lamestream media's infatuation with a recent study showing most Spanish-speaking cabrones don't identify as either Hispanic or Latino but rather their national or ethnic origin bug you as much as it does me? If your family wants to call themselves Spanish even though they have a nopal en la frente, then let them be self-hating. And call yourself whatever chingada term you want — may I suggest chica caliente?