By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Dear Mexican: I work construction in Texas. The mojados at work call me "Chicano" (which really angers me) to make fun of me, and I reply to them by saying, "¡México, bien por su gente!"
This usually leads to debates that the Hispanic population will be the majority of the population in this beautiful country (USA) of ours. However, I usually anger and annoy them by letting them know that either their grandkids or great-grandkids will not speak Spanish. My dad and his side of the family came from Colima, but now I can see that my nieces and nephews speak purely English. This does not bother me, but I let the guys at work know that we will be the new white race in America. What do you think?
—Tu Primo Capitalista
Dear Capitalist Cousin: Oye, güey: Get a better insult to get back at those dumb wabs than telling them Mexico should do right by its people. Ever heard of the power of a well-placed "Chinga tu pinche madre"? The rest of your insights are spot-on: The children of those wabs will become pochos; the children of said pochos will become Americans; and the children of those Americans will be named Ashley and Jarrod. It's all a process of assimilation, and your wab workers can't do anything to stop it. As for the white part? So 1950s. This brave new America is Vasconcellos' much-mythologized raza cósmica come to life, a new, superior race combined from all the razas — and ain't it a trip that its truest manifestation is happening in los Estados Unidos and not Mexico?
What's the deal with Ojo de Vidrio? Is he some sort of Robin Hood type with no depth perception?
—Enquiring Mentes Want to Know
Dear Gabacho: You're referring to the legendary corrido ("The Glass Eye") best performed by the conjunto norteño group Los Alegres de Terán, performed HILARIOUSLY by El Piporro (the Mexican "Weird Al" Yankovic), adapted into a great movie starring Antonio Aguilar, but originally recorded as a radio drama in the late 1950s and early 1960s. Unlike most corridos, "El Ojo de Vidrio" isn't based on a historical figure, but that didn't stop the Mexican nation from rooting for the anti-hero Porfirio Cadena as he terrorized the rich and the government during the Mexican Revolution. The song is emblematic of Mexico's love for Robin Hood-type characters, but unfortunately now mostly an artifact; nowadays, most of the corridos written celebrate narco-lords.