Next week, the Republican Party will convene in Tampa to plot world domination. And you're feeling left out.

Yes, you badly want in on the ground floor of the next culture war or invasion of a small, preferably Muslim country. Yet the GOP speaks in an elusive language only its followers understand. With just a few coded words, it's able to mobilize the loyalists — while simultaneously dismissing everyone else as un-American and quite possibly queer.

Rosetta Stone offers no help, for this is a dialect only deciphered with written authorization from Jesus or Goldman Sachs. You worry the march to Godliness will go forth without you. You'll be left behind with Rosie O'Donnell and those eco-fairies who bicycle to work.

Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk-radio hosts and pissed-off old guys who live in mobile home parks on the outskirts of Jacksonville. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!

Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms.

American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to: taxes, unbreaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free-range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales ...

Apologizing: The treasonous admission that America is not always perfect. Usually committed by people who can't even tastefully match their cowboy boots with their firearms.

Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting health-care benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smitten.

Barack Hussein Obama: Muslim foreigner illegally elected president to pursue the socialist agenda of Karl Marx, regarded as the least funny brother of the famed comedic troupe.

Bible: Historical novel starring omnipotent being who sentences others to eternal damnation unless they do what he says. Think of Pat Robertson, only with a hillbilly beard and the ability to part seas.

Chick-fil-A: Baptist version of eating kosher. Only sells chickens that have provided a documented history of heterosexuality to a commission of small-town Chamber of Commerce officials.

Christian: GOP delegate who's devoted his life to Jesus, handguns and repealing the Clean Water Act. Will be doing missionary work at Tampa gentlemen's clubs next week. At least that's what he'll tell his wife when the MasterCard bill arrives, LOL!

Christian Persecution: When school board bars teacher from conducting faith healing sessions in his seventh-grade biology class.

Class Warfare: Indefensible act of pitting America against the wealthy, but perfectly reasonable when mocking moms on welfare so they'll finally learn not to wear spandex with a butt that size.

College: American version of Maoist reeducation camp, where liberal professors encourage impressionable youth to enjoy critical thinking, Jäger shots and recreational intercourse.

Constitutional Conservatism: Belief that our founding document should be strictly interpreted — even though it was written by guys who wore wigs and capri pants but were definitely not trannies, since that hadn't even been invented yet.

Corporation: Most evolved species of mammal. Designated by Supreme Court as the legal equivalent to people, only better because they can afford to buy congressmen and box seats to the Texas Rangers.

Entitlement Society: Large corporations who demand public subsidies every time they build a facility, move their headquarters, or threaten to relocate to Botswana or Mississippi. Wait. No. Scratch that.

Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lamestream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone.

Evolution: Fraudulent theory that man evolved from ape. Have you ever seen an ape with jugs like Jessica Simpson's?

Feminazis: Ingrate women who use the word "Ewwww!" when Rush Limbaugh tries to buy them a Sex on the Beach at hotel bars in Boca Raton.

Food Stamp President: Did we mention that Obama's a negro? And that he's probably a Muslim?

Founding Fathers: Early visionaries who built a start-up country to escape the tyranny of England. Based on the theory that we could more cost-effectively do our own tyranny.

Free Market: Utopian world where corporations are allowed to conduct business without interference from price fixing, consumer protection or child labor laws.

Global Warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that man-made pollution is warming the Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold.

Gotcha Journalism: Shameful media practice pioneered by Katie Couric in which she uses duplicitous interview tactics — often called "questions" — to get vice presidential candidates to admit they can't read.

Homosexual Agenda: Conspiracy co-chaired by Satan and Neil Patrick Harris to convince America's youth to quit football and pursue careers as botanists and defense lawyers.

Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.

Jesus: Celebrated ancient deity who preached that "the poor should get a damned job already" and that all human suffering could be averted by simply lowering the capital gains tax.

Jews: The guys who killed Christ. Occasionally have the audacity to apply for membership in your country club, despite genetic deficiencies and an inadequate short game.

Job Creators: People who pay half the tax rate you do because God likes them way better. Deserving of further deductions because the gardener is asking for $4.25 an hour and Sundays off.

Lamestream Media: All media with the exception of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and the non-gay parts of PornHub.com. Note: Gay parts can be mildly educational if your wife's at Bible study and the door is locked.

Liberal Agenda: Set of effete East Coast values written by Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks to destroy the American family by getting our children to suck at math and listen to John Mayer.

Liberal Elite: Immoral foe nearly crushed to extinction by the superiority of the conservative agenda. Membership believed to consist of three elderly men recently expelled from the Newport Yacht club for publicly expressing fond memories of Roosevelt.

Mormons: Creepy sex cult perverts from Utah who have arranged marriages with 13-year-old girls named Edna. Still better than negroes, but scarier than Jews.

Muslims: Swarthy apostates who hate freedom. Believe that blowing up grandmas and blond children will be rewarded with 72 virgins in a jacuzzi suite at the Heaven Best Western. Covert cells mostly operating in Iran and the U.S. State Department.

Obamacare: Theory that all Americans deserve health coverage, when they could just as easily rub some dirt on it.

Radical Feminists: Secret cabal of WNBA season ticketholders seeking to usurp the natural role of men as the boss of everything. Need to shut up and vacuum the living room.

Science: Discredited field of study practiced by sissies at northern liberal arts schools that suck at football.

Second Amendment: The God-given right to carry an assault rifle to Sunday brunch at Applebee's just in case there's a kid wearing a hoodie.

Tea Party: People who hate socialism and government entitlements but live off Social Security and Medicare because stuff like that doesn't really count.

Traditional Marriage: A union between a man and woman who argue over a period of three to seven years, then separate and file unflattering paperwork about each other. Repeat cycle as necessary.

Values Voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.

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23 comments
irienatural
irienatural

A search of the Dallas Observer news and articles for "Bradley Manning" returned no items.

I could not find a place to ask the Dallas Observer to begin covering the court martial and pretrial hearings of PFC Bradley Manning, who is accused of transferring US government documents to WikiLeaks, so I am placing my request here.

President Obama promised in 2008 to protect whistle-blowers, and his administration has repressed more whistle-blowers than any other president. Obama has stated to a journalist that PFC Bradley Manning broke the law, and Obama's administration harshly, cruelly and inhumanely treated PFC Bradley Manning for  nine months at Marine Base Quantico Brig.

Julian Assange and WikiLeaks are fighting for real journalism, real news and real freedom of expression and freedom of information.

What is the Dallas Observer doing about this threat to the struggle for the right of the people to know what their government is doing in their name and with their tax money?

Peace.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

I got my best girl to give it a shot at, "As a public service, I present to you: "The 2012 Condensed Liberal Handbook of Racial Code Words." Decoder rings, activate!" - Michelle Malkin:

 

http://tinyurl.com/93vp7fv

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

I anxiously look forward to the "How to speak Democrat" article next week when the DNC convention starts!

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

Calling people you disagree with racists is like using the N-word.  

 

You will lose the hearts and minds of the people if you continue to do this.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

I do not want to return to the past but to the past's way of facing the future - Ronald Reagan

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk

Smitten? I don't think that that's the word you're looking for, here.

 

Smote? Maybe?

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

"the party of women" just announced that all children, including nursing babies, will be banned from the convention floor.

 

Can we get an AP Style Book translation from the Dallas Observer (ha!).  Something non-threatening.  

 

some nifty verbiage that changes the meaning.  Make it rhyme with sustainability?

WhiteGuiltObserver
WhiteGuiltObserver

White-guilt libtards don't REALLY believe in evolution either. If they really did, they wouldn't be such weak pathetic white-guit-ridden wimps eager to hand over our civilization to savage turd-world primitives.

WhiteGuiltObserver
WhiteGuiltObserver

More stereotypical wimpy white-guilt shit from the pathetic weak white-guilt libtard "progressive advocacy journalists" at the Observer.

darrylrs
darrylrs

great list. i love how when you make fun of conservatives, they give you the "that's intellectually shallow" and othr shit like if it's in a weekly paper, it's not a valid arguement. the sad fact is that if you ask every single president of every single university in this great country, the majority of these folks will believe in evolution (something Mitt does not) and lean democratic. Why? Because they are well read and well educated. They have been exposed to more than one religious dogma. They have traveled outside of this country. They have NOT been brainwashed by the liberal education system. The smartest people on the planet lean toward the liberal ideology. Case closed.

johnawtry
johnawtry

@Dallas_Observer that was predictable and intellectually shallow.

Sarge
Sarge

Must be miserable being so miserable. All that anger could be channelled to productive uses, like Saturday clean ups around the lake.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Maybe if you focused your mind on the approaching cliff and reviewed possible solutions we'd get somewhere.  Reducing the current situation to a high school football game of my side versus yours is getting us nowhere.    The sheep bleat and the butchers eat.

roadsidecouch
roadsidecouch

Yeah but the Democrats have the Rapist in Chief as their keynote speaker.  But the media just keeps dutifully following the Democrat's talking points. 

cesar39nt
cesar39nt

wow they really talk like that too i've spoken to some & they usually go off raving about liberals, guess they're jealous because their wives wont do that in bed, and they think god & jesus are white  

we all know jesus was well tanned from wandering in the desert behind those purple & pink chickens while day tripping! {wow some acid huh} and they think mitt romney a mormon, {iszat a gay muslim?} one strange character for sure, he cant speak plainly & clearly, {just ask about his taxes} and he goes off the deep end, yet if we apply for any kind of loan they usually want to see our last years tax form??????? {he & his wife have o d'ed on plastic surgery?} and botox for sure they don't look like any humans I've seen how about you?? bet mitt has an earbud so he can answer minor questions {he skips away on the hard ones like whats your taxable income over the last 10 yrs.} and he rubs elbows with known commies like paul ryan,rush limbaugh,karl rove, shaun hannity,john boehner {pronounced boner NOT BAYNER} they're dumber than uneducated, and probably older!! look how previous spells his name????whats up wizzat?????? then there's eric cantor, looks like someone stole his bible and replaced it with a hustler magazine, and he's still trying to find the section about Christianity but freaks every time he comes to chester the molester, turns pink says he likes the articles??????, then we have mitch mcconnel or Methuselah's brother, never been a better case for TERM LIMITS!!! ooops got a little off key there, sorry folks but you get the idea right? or extreme right, as the case is!

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

CHARLOTTE — The Democratic National Convention will feature a long list of female speakers and a slew of activities designed to make it the most inclusive convention in history, organizers announced Wednesday.

 

snip!

 

So do you think President Clinton will be booed for raping Juanita Broaddrick?  He bit her lip until she cooperated - a common rape tactic.  I wonder if she took his advice and put some ice on that lip?

 

He was disbarred for lying under oath in an employer sexual harrassment case brought by Paula Jones.  That's the one where, as the Lt. Governor of Ark., he dropped trou and asked for a blow-job from a 22 year old government secretary.  She accurately described Peyronie's disease (ha!).  He later agreed to an out-of-court settlement and paid $850,000.  But HEY! he didn't have to admit NUTTIN!

 

He later admitted extramarital relationships with Monica Lewinsky and Gennifer Flowers. Did he Man up?  Elizabeth Ward Gracen apologized to Hillary Clinton (don't ask).  And can you have voluntery relations, as President of the United States, with a 22-year old intern?  Or, as the top government employer was this sexual harrassment?

 

Kathleen Willey said Clinton groped her in a hallway off our Oval Office.  She was an unpaid Dem volunteer (in fact they were ALL Democrat women he attacked) who was asking to be rolled over to a paid status so he "reached out".  Her husband committed suicide that afternoon in a park due to family financial troubles.

 

But let's drag some judge and a guy in Missouri around we have never heard of and claim they represent all the women haters and domestic terrorists who masquerade as Republicans.

 

Meanwhile, you got the poster boy for rapists as the keynote speaker (ha!).

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

The republican party has sunk to the level of troglodytes.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Nope it's just more my side is better than your side;  pointless BS

 
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