Why Won't My Mexican Mom Accept My Gabacha Girlfriend?

Dear Mexican: As a college educated Mexican-American, I had my fair share of Chicanas in college ... all of whom my jefita considered putas. But now that I graduated, I'm going out with a gabacha for the first time. She's nice, bilingual, tall, skinny, educated and a liberal with liberal gabacho parents. I finally found a woman that doesn't want to control me a su manera or hacerme pendejo and my jefita is STILL against it. How can I get my jefa to accept my lil' snow bunny? COCO DEEZ NUTS

Dear Gabacho: ALL Mexican moms are going to initially consider ANY mujer who's going out with their son a puta. But the good thing with mamis is that they're ultimately looking out for their mijo — if any woman is going to be their eventual nuera, they better be a good one, and her son better be in the right state of mind to settle down. You obviously didn't care for those Chicanas as anything else than butt sluts, and your mother knew that. And calling your current chica a "snow bunny" is further proof you're not ready to settle down. Your mother will sense the moment you're ready to be serious, and will then subject your beloved to a lifetime of suegra pettiness.

I'm a Spanish teacher. I've seen a white lacey headdress called a huipil, and I have also seen a type of colorful blouse called a huipil. Which is it? LA MAESTRA GABACHA

Dear Gabacha Teacher: The "lacey headdress" you're referring to is the resplandor, and it's native to the state of Oaxaca, specifically to the Zapotec tribe, and specifically to the tehuanas, the women who pertain to the Isthmus of Tehuantepec and even more specifically to the vendors of Santo Domingo Tehuantepec. They're renowned for their morena beauty, independence and colorful sartorial stylings. The huipil, on el other hand, is the default blouse of central and southern Mexico and Guatemala since before the Conquest, the colorful counterpart to the guayabera. Unfortunately, the huipil has been cheapened by Mexican restaurants that make their female workers dress in cheaply made versions and by gabachas who went backpacking and think wearing them confers authenticity. Doesn't matter: a huipil makes any woman who wears it into an automatic goddess. But the woman who can pull off the resplandor ain't just a goddess, she's heaven incarnate. In other words, a tehuana.

 
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