By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Dear Mexican: You have defended illegal immigrants by arguing that they will do the jobs gabachos won't do for the same wages. I agree. I have a white-collar job, so I'm totally content to benefit from the low prices brought about by an uneducated underclass unprotected by American labor laws, content in the knowledge that no Mexican will ever take mi trabajo. But now this DREAM Act comes along, encouraging them to go to college, and my job's up for grabs, too? I already have enough competition from the Chinese and the Indians! What possible benefit could this legislation have for me? NIGHTMARE Act Is More Like It
Dear Gabacho: You don't have to worry about DREAMers taking your job — you'll continue to have your middle-class lifestyle as these DREAMers catapult over you and become your boss, because they all possess the drive, ambition and talent that gabachos used to exhibit in college before it became finishing school for high schoolers. Better learn how to grovel to el jefe in English and Español, chulo!
Sometimes when I'm eating a burrito, the bottom end becomes saturated with moisture and the tortilla breaks and stuff falls out. Is this the result of a lack of burrito-eating skill, an improperly made burrito, or just the way it's supposed to be? Chipotle ChingÓn
Dear Neighbor of Mexicans: Gabachos are so clueless that they think burritos are supposed to vomit out their contents like a coed in pre-narco Acapulco — ¡que pendejos! A true burrito is wrapped up as tight as bacon around a hot dog, its structure so sound that you can throw it through the air like a spiral and it won't explode. This isn't a question of size: The largest burritos on earth are those made in the Mission District in San Francisco (where Chipotle's founder found his "inspiration" for the chain's burritos), where the Mission burrito is larger than a brick, wrapped tight in foil and never exploding. If a burrito gets so soggy at the bottom that it disintegrates, then the maker either put too much salsa/guacamole/sour cream in it, or the meat's so damn greasy it's not worth eating. If your burrito disintegrates, demand a refund — or, better yet, sue the business owner for defaming the burrito's good nombre.