Buzz Year in Review

Deion, Mike Miles, Mary Suhm and Jesus: Looking back at the VIPS and assorted freaks of 2013.

Buzz Year in Review
Greg Houston

This year, our annual news rehash features some really good news. You ready? Here goes.

Jesus came back.

That's right: J.C., right here in Dallas. Really. We have that on good authority from a Dallas City Council member. Not only that, but anti-Jesus also made an appearance in 2013, according to one local politician who certainly should be able to recognize the devil when he sees him.

Greg Houston
Greg Houston

What that means, based on Buzz's many hours of theological studies (we've watched all the Omen movies scads of times), is that it's just about time for heaven on earth to arrive.

Sadly, we also have some bad news for you. As we understand these things, before that happens there's this thing called the rapture. It's very complicated stuff involving blue lights and James Franco, but the gist is that if you're reading this right now, you probably didn't make the cut on God's team.

Sorry about that.

But, hey, at least we'll have better music. So while we're stuck here waiting for things to go even worse to hell, plug in those earbuds, crank up the death metal and take a look at what sort of happened last year.


Out of the blue, into the black: The national Democratic Party kicks off a multi-million effort to turn Texas "blue." Called Battleground Texas, it will be spearheaded by Jeremy Bird, the national field director for President Obama's re-election campaign. The party "plans to engage the state's rapidly growing Latino population, as well as African-American voters and other Democratic-leaning constituencies that have been underrepresented at the ballot box in recent cycles," the website Politico reports. Eight months later, the party places pictures of Bird on milk cartons sold in Texas and offers a $10,000 reward to anyone with information on Battleground Texas' whereabouts.

Somebody call a doctor: After booting Planned Parenthood and assuming control of the Women's Health Program, the Texas Department of Health and Human Services takes down an error-riddled website listing the names of health care providers available under the new program. Among the errors is a provider who advised a pregnant patient to cut back on oats in her feed, keep her fetlocks wrapped and be sure she has plenty of clean straw for bedding.

But not if you're poor: A report sponsored by Texas Impact and Methodist Healthcare Ministries of South Texas harshly criticizes Governor Rick Perry's refusal to take part in the federal government's plan to expand Medicaid. The report claims that Perry's move will result in 8,400 premature deaths each year and leave more than a million poor adults and children still without health coverage. Perry's office calls 8,400 fewer poor people "a decent start."

Panties in a twist: U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says the U.S. military will drop its ban on women serving in combat, prompting an outraged denouncement from local outraged denouncer Mark Davis. "This is a disaster," Davis says on his radio show on KSKY-AM 660 AM The Answer. "It is an outrage against humanity." It's also a "sick perversion," "pernicious," and "one of the worst ideas since the beginning of time," not unlike the act of giving Mark Davis a radio show.


Crime and punishment: Twice in one month, male thieves make snatch-and-grab raids on the Victoria's Secret shop in Mockingbird Station, the third and fourth such crimes to hit the store since Christmas, costing thousands of dollars in sexy sleepwear, sweatshirts and cotton panties. Store employees describe the culprit in one of the raids as a 6-foot-2, 300-pound man who has not yet been told of the Internet.

Menage a dummy: A Dallas man tells police that he was robbed of a $3,000 watch by two women he'd met on Craigslist who agreed to join him in a threesome — for free. The man tells officers that he wasn't suspicious that the women would offer a no-cost menage a trois on the online classified site. He goes on to describe the suspects but the officers can't hear him over their own laughter.

OMG: At a Dallas City Council meeting to discuss City Manager Mary Suhm's controversial secret deal to promote natural gas drilling on city parkland despite an earlier council vote banning it, council member Vonciel Hill leaps to Suhm's defense, comparing one of Suhm's chief critics, council member Angela Hunt, to Haman, the Old Testament enemy of Jews in ancient Persia.

Skipping ahead several chapters, Hill then goes on to compare Suhm to Jesus Christ.

"And then reach forward from the Hebrew scriptures to the New Testament scriptures, where those who said of Jesus Christ on Good Friday, 'Well, he's done, he's dead, we've got him now.' Wait three days, because Easter will come and there will be the resurrection. And those who pierced him on Good Friday are no longer known, and their names are not around, but 2,000 and some years later, the name of the Christ is still ringing forth.

"Miss Suhm, this is a Good Friday moment, but I guarantee you from the faith well into which I reach, your Easter is coming, and you will sail forth," concludes Hill, who fails to mention the story of Samson, who like Suhm brought down a building on his head and defeated enemies with the jawbone of an ass.

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Stop dim lightbulb; you burn thyself when unscrewing when the power's on ya!  Do not, says I, store nickels and dimes in the socket because the light shade will burst into flames like a bucket overturned upon the candle burning at both ends like the old Brian Ferry song. 

As for "tadpole" of FBCDtwn, the conspiracy is in your genes, and homosexuality is like a flock of midges trying to communicate with the "giant space alien" walking down sidewalks all Spring and all Summer.  Ever think of speaking "bug"?  Please do not shoo away those creatures of God.  Rather, be a shepherd with thine "God whistle" and accept the sin through forgiveness instead of playing Lord God Almighty with the lives of people who do tend to jump out of the book right at your face like jack-in-the-boxes popping upwards from a little tin box.  You madeth the same mistake with the Blacks.  You've decided women should now become property and objectified, something that makes no sense at all if you, the farmer of Jesus, step out onto the pasture to see that all the cattle have both started braying before the sun came up and have now disappeared into the UFOs. 

I think the biggest improvement was Dallas Observer's decision to profile poets who need attention.  Those with the hatchets have departed for Half Price Books, and now it is indeed safe for the journalist to return to those of us who kinda-sorta have that postmodernist blues when journalists who have not read Derrida suddenly realize that the objects only appear when their history is given a full examination and that, if only the subject-journalist exists, the object is meaningless. 

Metamodernism is rising now.  You'll be OK.  Here's a clue to poetry v real estate developers: We did not like it one bit when Martin Heidegger insisted that our sensory organs and limbs be called "equipment".  We are not part of the machine dream, and loom with intent to lurk after having been replaced by Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin after the famed Reagan speech, "It's mornin' in America.  Duuuuuuude!"  AM radio.  FM means something else [expletive deleted]. 

I so enjoyed the perky, zippy, crispy, coltish and chipper recollection here I am now in skatter-shot world in terms of going to 11 on a dial of 10.  Save me.  Your DO is free. 

Dangit.  I am happy that clouds have now become incorporated subsidiaries of the electronic experiment of the Internet anarchism that tends to ignore binary code and servers. 

Would you like our microwaved fry special, sir? 


You neglected to mention a major positive event for DISD.  In June DISD verified the Class of 2013 as the largest DISD graduation class in 31 years with about 7,300 students graduating.   Then in November it was verified that the Class of 2014 had dropped over 530 students below the official count for the Class of 2013.  Thus the largest year to year drop in 12th grade enrollment in 29 years was verified.  

Yes, these are two numbers going opposite directions.  The first is a hold over from before Mike Miles.   The second is Mike Miles number as it reflects exactly what he did the last four years he was in Colorado.  His last four years there the 12th grade enrollment dropped 32%.   It appears he was eliminating low scoring students so he could demonstrate rising students scores and be hired by DISD.

Since July of 2012 he has been applying this same proven method of rising "average scores" in DISD.   See the question this leads to at