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27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

Spread cheer and slip 'em something they really want this holiday season.
Spread cheer and slip 'em something they really want this holiday season.

If you're just now looking at a gift guide, congratulations. You waited it out. We knew you would, champ. Your reward for lazy patience? You can ride our holiday shopping coattails to gifting glory because we've searched Dallas and the interwebs to find 27 presents that are as affordable as they are thoughtful -- mostly, anyway.

Yep, you're welcome.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: Any Girl You've Ever Met Ever, Gay Guys, Too Seletti My Crown Nest, $65
Everyone wants a crown. It's one of a newborn's first thoughts - "food, water, screw this, I want a crown." Make dreams come true with this decorative white or gold porcelain crown. But be warned, if you buy the white version, it just means you love him or her less.

No really, they're effin' huge.
No really, they're effin' huge.
For: The Aspiring Diabetic In Your Life One Pound Hershey's, Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or York Peppermint Patty Target, $10

You may think you know what a one pound chocolate bar, cup or patty looks like, but you don't. It's HUGE. Like you might need a spotter to get it to your car. But if you do get it to your car and then actually give it to someone, you'll be in the running for best human ever. Unless you give the York. Then you're just an asshole. In stores only, Holiday section.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
For: When You Need Something Impersonally Personal Handmade soap in Aloe Oatmeal, Desert Sage, Lemon Polenta, Oatmeal, Sandalwood, Almond and Fragrance-Free Oak Cliff Soap Company, $7

When you don't know someone that well, you might as well give them something to rub on their privates. See what I'm saying? Soap is impersonally personal, but Oak Cliff Soap is a sudsy, chunky cake of "that smells rad." Each soap is all natural and 100% handmade with essential oils. I highly recommend Oatmeal and Almond. Available at Oil & Cotton

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: Your Art-y Friend With BO Little Trees Air Freshener Car Wash, $2.99
We all know this person. The stink bomb that still uses the deodorant geode your 9th grade science teacher invented. Their BO clouds them like Pigpen's dirt and if you look closely enough, you'll see the air around them ACTUALLY gasping for air. Do the world a favor and give them a Little Tree. Maybe on a chain as a necklace. Or a pin as a brooch. Available at car washes, drug stores, grocery stores and occasionally on the side of the road.

 

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
For: Not-So-Green Thumbs Dinosaur Planter Starting at $18, The Plaid Pigeon

Okay so the shipping at The Plaid Pigeon is only slightly less than your college tuition, but who even cares?!? It's a DINO PLANTER with rocks and a succulent. (Imitations have air plants. Garf.) You can pick the animal and the color and our merry little Austin friends will ship it. And since it's a succulent, it'll take a lot longer to kill!!

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
Photo by LILCO Press
For: A Friend You Like With Emotion, Not Dollars Hola Postcard Lilco Press, online and at Oil and Cotton, $4

Lilco Press is a local printmaker that uses polymer plates, hand-carved linoleum and the thickest paper you can find. Seriously, it's like her postcards, cards and art prints are created on motherfucking maxi pads. So plush! And presumably absorbent! Which makes her $4 Hola, Amigo or Gracias postcard perfect for framing.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
From the Tom Sale Facebook page

For: The Person You Love Most Hand-stitched Ornaments, Handkerchiefs, Apocalypse Quilts The Tom & Judy Show, $15 to $450
If you missed the Tom & Judy Show Annual Holiday Sale, don't worry, they're selling the leftovers on Facebook. You'll find festive rabbit turd cards, chicken-embroidered "fuck off" pillows and framed skulls made of multi-colored thread. Plus you'll finally get to ask yourself, "Who should I give 'VD,' too?" Call dibs on Tom Sale's Facebook:

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
For: The "Artist" Tiny Easels Oil & Cotton, $5

Your flaky friend took one oil painting glass and suddenly they're an artist. Well, now for $5 you can passive-aggressively support their new pursuit -- they'll ditch it and move on to aristocratic blacksmithing next month anyway. Faking it has never been cheaper or easier, because tiny easels only put you out $5.

 

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
Photo by Catherine Downes
For: Wo-mers (Women) Cast Pewter Necklaces, Bracelets, Rings f. is for Frank, Starting at $46

If there's a full-blown girl or transitioning male in your life, you need f. is for Frank for four reasons: 1.) You need a gift that doesn't suck. 2.) Their jewelry is so, so, so, so, so amazing. 3.) Everyone loves it. 4.) There isn't a fourth reason. You got pranked.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
Photo from estie's Etsy site
For: The Friend That Likes You More Than You Like Them Necklaces Inspired By Nature estieMade, Starting at $22

Every year you have one friend-ish who gets you a massive Sun Ripened Raspberry bundle from Bath & Body Works and every year you rue the day you ever met. Fight fire with fire with an awesome estie necklace that looks like you paid waaay more than you did. Especially since estie uses geodes, quartz, leather chevrons and more. Here's a fun thing, estie is on Etsy. Enjoy verbally explaining that.

Yeah Lenny, just throw on a silk vest. Great.
Yeah Lenny, just throw on a silk vest. Great.

For: The Person You Clearly Hate Any and All Lenny Kravitz CDs Wherever People Still Buy CDs, $ Too Much
If you need to remove someone from your life permanently, get them a Lenny Kravitz CD. His rendition of "American Woman" almost single-handedly ruined my formative years and no doubt, yours too.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
For: When You Want To Burn Your Money Caswell-Massey On The Go Shaving Kit Urban Outfitters, $30

This travel set comes with a calming aftershave balm, original shave cream and essential pre-shave oil. All in a handsome clear plastic pouch. It's available in three scents - Almond, Eucalyptus and Sandalwood - but it doesn't really matter what scent you choose. Everything smells the same when it's never used.

For: Even-Less-Green-Thumbs Terrarium Ornament We Are 1976, Henderson, $12

The beauty of this little beauty is it's a terrarium of already dying leaves so your dumb friend can't kill it any further. And it's only $12. And it's adorable.

For: Immature Males, JK ALL MALES (And Some Mean-Spirited Ladies, Too) Slingshot We Are 1976, Henderson, $28 to $33

These hand-carved, smooth as glass slingshots are peacocking the shit out of those neon stripes. Now, I'd never shoot anything with this, but then again, I don't have testes. Fun fact for anyone alive twenty years ago, the medical tubing used on these used to be on flip flops called Tiddies.

 

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: Chest Hair Havers Pocketknives We Are 1976, Henderson, $28 to $45
Guys like pocketknives. Even when they just use them to cut tags off super cute new tops. Well, if they're going faux macho, they might as well go in style.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
For: "I Love Bowling and Balls" Knockdown Dolls We Are 1976, Henderson, $75

The frustration of every Midway game ever brought to life exists in these hand-painted knockdown dolls by clearly-whimsical artist, Jason Cohen. Perfect for that special someone in your life with multiple interests and/or ADD.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
For: Cat Lovers, Meow Meow Cat Tape Dispenser We Are 1976, Henderson, $17.95

Just because you love cats, doesn't mean you're sad and lonely. In fact, sometimes you even need tape in an adorable tape dispenser. You know so you can hang up all those cat pictures and rogue furballs. Juuust kidding. CATS!

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
For: The Germaphobe Permanent Lipstick Tumbler Grange Hall, $70

Watch your little paranoid friend reel when presented with this lipstick-marked glass. It's painted on and completely sanitary, but let's just keep that between us.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: When You Want To Get In Someone's Pants...and They're Very Macabre Pants Feather Skulls Grange Hall, $4,755
Let's be adults, if you buy these for someone you want them restraining-order-level-of-bad. You also might have severed heads in your freezer, but let's focus on the positive. For the price of a gently used Buick Le Sabre, you can buy a feathered skull. Homicidal jokes aside, it's pretty freaking spectacular.

 

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: Gold Thumbs Quartz Terrarium Grange Hall, $775
When you're wealthy, you don't use soil or even river stone. That's for peasants. You use quartz crystals and you put them in a chic bowl with an even chic-er deer. Take out a loan and buy this for your nearest and dearest. You know, the one with the hedge fund.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: Modest Streakers Fundie-Undies by The Candi Factory The Gypsy Wagon, $24 to $33
Billed as "the funnest undies you'll ever find that don't ride up your butt!" Fundies Undies come all the way from Canada, eh, and make your privates look more adorable than manscaping. Available in XS to L. Men and Women. Oh happy day.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: Anyone That Appreciates The Joke "Come-On-I-Wanna-Lei-Ya" Hula Girl Glasses The Gypsy Wagon, $6
These drinking glasses are awesome and since you can get a set for under $25, they're even awesomer. Did I mention they're topless? Let's hear it for boobs, right?!?
27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: Your Idiot Friend That Sells (Or Owns) Scentsy Aviary Soy Candle

Nest, $36
This gift is two gifts in one. First, it's an adorable porcelain candle with a cockatiel on it. Second, it's a lesson that proves you don't need a damn cauldron of wax to scent a room.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: The Person That Pretends They'll Buy Fresh Flowers Weekly Porcelain Bird Vase. I'm not sure what kind of bird it is, so let's go with "sparrow." Nest, $35
Yeah, like any of us are ever going to buy fresh flowers on the reg. More than likely this vase will become home to a dull No. 2 and a set of learning chopsticks. But it's everything a gift should be - lovely and affordable. Oh yeah, and thoughtful.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life
For: A Tragic Table Mermaid Candleabra Nest, $250

Console, dining, folding card table, it doesn't really matter. Pop this bad boy on top and you're instantly stylin' -- except you're not because you just said, "stylin'." Thems the breaks, kid.

For: The Design Student, That Pretentious Fuck Vinyl Flower Vase Nest, $16
If you know someone that's actually used gestalt in a sentence, buy this vinyl flower vase for them and fill it with water and carnations. Because carnations are filler flowers. Then whack them over the head with it for being such a douche.

27 Perfect Gifts For Every Type of Human in Your Life

For: Anyone Running Low on Gingko Biloba You Are What You Eat Memory Game Nest, $17
I don't care who you are, Memory is still one of the greatest games ever invented. It kicks the pants off Call of Duty Die Hard Car Jackers or whatever the latest pixel-laced eyesore is. And this version got a facelift, adorable illustrations created just for you--r gift recipient.

Happy Holidays, you hooches.


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