Ah, Halloween. That time of year when grown-ass adults lose their natural minds and engage in activities they would normally eschew, like eating disgusting confections (looking at you, candy corn) and drinking fruity, Everclear-spiked punch until they forget their names. Worst of all, though, are the legions of ill-advised and offensive Halloween constumes that come through every single year.
You already know blackface is a really, really bad idea for Halloween costumes, and that dressing up like Caitlyn Jenner is going to make you look like a transphobic asshole. Which means that you may look toward your own home, our fair city, for costume inspiration. That’s fine — be Tony Romo or Mike Rawlings if you want — but you should probably stay away from these five costume ideas. They’re just not cool, okay?
Susan Hawk (above)
Isn’t it HILARIOUS how this female politician had to seek mental health treatment? Wouldn’t it be SO funny if you dressed up as Susan Hawk, complete with a bottle of anti-depressants and the “Botoxed face” that so many Internet comments like to make fun of her for? Not only no, but hell no. Making fun of someone for their mental illness is as insensitive as one can possibly be, and not only that, it’s just not funny to make fun of a sick person who at least seems to be earnestly seeking help. Punch up, assholes — that’s how satire works.
There are plenty of funny things about Greg Hardy, like that stupid-as-hell rap video he recorded with strippers while being suspended from the NFL. But you should probably remember that suspension had everything to do with Hardy being convicted for choking his girlfriend, threatening her life and throwing her onto a couch piled with assault rifles. Greg Hardy is an asshole, and dressing up like a woman-beater is about as funny as a funeral home. Just don’t, okay?
Dez Bryant’s Foot
This one is just still too raw to joke about. You can dress up as Dez Bryant, but leave his poor injured foot out of it. If you don’t, you’re going to jinx the Cowboys, and that would be reason enough to make everyone hate you. Instead, try dressing up as Dez Bryant, domestic violence advocate.
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Ahmed “The Clock Kid” Mohamed
Nevermind the fact that Ahmed Mohamed is probably going to live the coolest life a little nerd could ever dream of now that he’s met President Obama, chilled with a Google exec and is headed off to Qatar for an impeccable education, but the sweet little Muslim kid from Irving isn’t a costume. He’s a child who was racially profiled, and just happened to come out of it not (seemingly) traumatized. Carrying around a clock isn’t going to make you seem particularly clever. Especially when you realize your NASA T-shirt and science project don’t make you look nearly as cool as they did a 14-year-old boy.
Lee Harvey Oswald (or anything Kennedy-related)
It’s not that this costume is particularly offensive, it’s that it is so, so done. People have been dressing up as Oswald and Kennedy (with or without his brains intact) for actual decades, and your new and innovative costume idea was likely already worn by someone who is now an accountant and NPR contributor. If you really want to show off your Dallas pride, go as Dirk or someone who didn’t fuck up our city’s reputation for the better half of a century.