Weddings are hell. They usually take all day, you have to bring a present and you’re forced to eat with strangers you have nothing in common with. Weddings without open bars should be illegal. Unless you’re the couple being married, they are a chore to attend (and even then it’s a little sketchy).
Nonetheless, royal wedding fever is reaching a high point, with one of the princes — let’s say Harry — and Meghan Markle making his first of many marriages official May 19. For those of you in a Texas ZIP code who are British at heart, here are a few places to celebrate the couple saying their I dos.
The Rustic will host a Royal Wedding Brunch from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Saturday. Live music will be performed starting at 12:30. Brunch is served in large portions family style, so bring all your friends to celebrate the wedding of two strangers.
For any women who have bridesmaid dresses lying around, the Rustic is inviting participants to celebrate by showing up in the pastel attire they were conned into buying for one day. If you haven’t set the dress on fire but refuse to wear it again, you can bring it as a donation for students unable to afford a prom dress. Anyone who brings a dress will receive $1 mimosas during brunch — and the knowledge some kid will go to prom in a dress that has shoulder pads.
Hotel St. Germain
Maybe you’ve been saying to yourself, “What, I only get one day to celebrate this wedding that impacts my life so deeply?” You’re not alone, and Hotel St. Germain has you covered with an entire week celebrating the wedding. Quit your job, and don’t leave a note for your family — this wedding is your family now.
On Thursday, the hotel will have a Royal Cocktail Reception, which is like a regular cocktail reception, but royal. On Friday, you can take part in a seven-course meal that is also royal because it costs $150. Anyone who stays in the hotel Friday night will be served breakfast in bed, presumably royal, so they can watch the wedding.
On Sunday, Hotel St. Germain is serving brunch. You can guess if it’s royal or not.
The British Emporium in Grapevine will host a live screening of the royal wedding in its parking lot at 6 a.m. Saturday. If you’re not familiar with the shop, those who work up a hunger in a game of Quidditch go to the British Emporium for their peas and haggis.
Selling the best the United Kingdom has the offer, the British Emporium is ready to celebrate the royal wedding with some good, old-fashioned American capitalism. Mugs, magnets, towels and more will be available with the couple’s face on them, proving you don’t have to be at the event to own a souvenir from it. It's like when someone brings you back a shirt from a trip to Alaska, and although you’ve never been, you just start telling people you went to Alaska.
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On the Big Screen
For people not committed to waking up at 6 a.m. to watch the ceremony, the wedding will be shown Saturday in select theaters around the country. Dallasites you can choose between AMC NorthPark 15 and Cinemark 17. The wedding will be listed as "Harry & Meghan: The Royal Wedding," and the showing will start at 10 a.m. The runtime is listed as three and a half hours, so it’s still clocking in at half the time of the Avengers.
The screenings are being promoted as commercial-free, which is good because the most common complaint about weddings are all the commercials that slow things down. Who hasn’t had to sit through all the vows being exchanged, and then right before the couple kisses, the minister stops to tell you about Tide for 30 seconds?
The Londoner Pub will host a live screening Saturday of the royal wedding. The recommended time to arrive is 5:30 a.m. to secure a spot before the ceremony begins.
Order an Irish car bomb to wash down the scones and sausage rolls being served. By 7 a.m., be so drunk you start calling all the women in the pub bridesmaids and try to give a best man’s speech. Tie cans to the back of your Uber for the full experience to celebrate the day your close friends, Harry the prince and the Suits' Meghan Markle, got married.