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6 People To Avoid at the Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade

What an asshole. Get it? Because asshole? Yeah, you get it. Asshole.
What an asshole. Get it? Because asshole? Yeah, you get it. Asshole.
Stephen Masker

This Saturday, more than 125,000 people will stuff themselves into Greenville Avenue's taint to celebrate St. Patrick's Day exactly as one would in Ireland: with a beads parade, corn dogs and green beer. At 11 a.m., the 35th Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade will puke all-green-errything upon Blackwell Street and Greenville Avenue. You'll be there. Because it will be amazing. And in an effort to make your St. Patrick's-ing the most fun that it could possibly be, here's a list of people you should avoid while you're there.

1) Your Wasted Coworkers

So many regrettable stories. Hanging out with your coworkers here only ends in bad.
So many regrettable stories. Hanging out with your coworkers here only ends in bad.
Stephen Masker

If you're doing this parade right, your brain's only recollection of your time here will be a 30-second Ken Burns-style photo slideshow of regrets. For this reason, you should never attend this parade with coworkers. If you happen to see coworkers in the crowd, hide from them behind someone's giant green cowboy hat.

2) Children

Children are The Worst.
Children are The Worst.
Stephen Masker

You are too drunk to be around children. You mustn't vomit on them. It's not their fault they're here. At some point, a parent said, "Wouldn't it be fun and appropriate to take the kids to the Greenville parade?" And nobody was around to say, "Fuck no, it most certainly would not."

3) The Two-Headed Girl Group Photo Monster

The two-headed chick photo monster will eat your face and make you watch.
The two-headed chick photo monster will eat your face and make you watch.
Stephen Masker

Stay away from any girls who are near cameras. Remember: girls + camera = NO. The danger is not the individual ingredients, but the combination of the two. Two girls can stand next to each other perfectly fine, and then WHAM. If a camera shows up, their heads fuse together and they become a fake-smiling machine that will steal your soul if you make direct eye contact.

 

4) Someone's Dad

Dad's here. And he wants to talk about how cool this parade was when he was your age.
Dad's here. And he wants to talk about how cool this parade was when he was your age.
Stephen Masker

Someone's Dad will buy you beer and then make you listen to his 30-minute story about how Prestonwood Mall used to be the coolest place ever back in the day, "on account of that ice rink that was so much better than the Galleria's." He's really excited to be here. Yes, he brought his kids. No, he hasn't seen them in a while or so.

5) Spring Break Guys

"Hahahaha, we don't feel the need to wear shirts! Let's go buy a shit ton of staplers!"
"Hahahaha, we don't feel the need to wear shirts! Let's go buy a shit ton of staplers!"
Stephen Masker

Spring Break Guys aren't ever wearing shirts. And they say, "Heeeeeeeeey," as they approach. They step on your toes accidentally and not-at-all-accidentally boob graze as they reach across you for beers. If the sting of Axe Body Spray hits your nostrils, it's too late.

6) So Annoyed McAngry Girl

You dragged her here. And now you must avoid her.
You dragged her here. And now you must avoid her.
Stephen Masker

She can't believe you made her come to this bullsh. "It'll be fun!" you said. "We'll have a blast!" you said. Now she's five hours sober at this clusterhump and she's so annoyed by the fact that there are literally 124 thousand people between her and her Uber driver that if you ask her what's wrong, she will punch your face into the ground.

Enjoy your time at the 35th Annual Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade. Be sure to wear your "214" and "972" area code ho shirts to the Ludacris concert. And remember, when you're making stranger-friends because you're wasted, try to choose wisely lest ye be screwed.


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