8 Bullshit Things That Women's Clothes Do
Women are taught by fashion magazines and reality shows to have a deep respect for the designers who make their clothes. But no one warns women that this respect doesn't go both ways. Spend enough time shopping, and it becomes clear that the fashion industry is made of creepy old men who don't think you need clothes for anything other than reclining uncomfortably in a chair, looking hot.
Here are some of the most obnoxious, bullshit structural problems commonly found in women's clothes.
Rotating Skirts There are so many skirts that look great when you're modeling them in the dressing room, just standing before a mirror. But dressing rooms are small and not conducive to much movement. In the real world, some seemingly perfect skirts start to do a subtle rotation after you walk for about 30 seconds. At first, it seems like something minor, no big deal. But then you do another 30 seconds of walking, and the whole thing starts turning more. You try to ignore this because you don't want to be tugging at your skirt in public. Walk a few more minutes and by the time you make it to your destination, your skirt will be on backward.
Pencil Skirts With Skanky Ass Zippers Pencil skirts are supposed to be classy, like something that Joan from Mad Men would wear. But if you buy a lower-budget pencil skirt from a place like Forever 21, chances are that it will be held together only by a tacky zipper placed in the spot where your ass crack is. The zipper is typically made out of cheap metal and super shiny. This ensures that your ass will blind everyone when you stand in the sunlight.
Comedy Night At The Muse With Kyle Groom
TicketsFri., Oct. 7, 9:00pm
Do Pehri With Pankaj Kapur & Supriya Pathak
TicketsSun., Oct. 9, 7:00pm
POETRY SMASH #1
TicketsThu., Oct. 13, 7:30pm
African Muzik Magazine Awards
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 7:00pm
An Evening With Deon Q
TicketsSun., Oct. 23, 7:00pm
Acting Like a Serious Business Shirt with a Collar and Buttons, But Then Also Being See-through, for Some Reason. You're a working professional? Honey, that's adorable. Now go put on something sexy for me.
Blouses With Extremely Narrow Neck Holes Yet No Neck Buttons When a narrow-necked blouse doesn't have buttons in the back, your head is literally too big to fit through the head hole. Keep on pushing, and you might eventually work your head through, like a newborn baby. Once the shirt's on, it looks fantastic and you have no idea how to take it off, so you have to buy it. These cute blouse-engineering failures are commonly found in the Urban Outfitter's sale section.
Weak Buttons in Chest Area I see men with large guts wearing button down shirts in public all the damn time without anything popping open. Yet when I buy an overpriced buttoned sweater or shirt that's plenty loose on me, there is always a moderate risk that the one of the buttons may suddenly come undone. It seems that clothes-designers don't invest as much money or attention in women's buttons, possibly another ploy to make everyone see our boobs.
Winter Dresses that Cling to Tights Awkwardly. Winter dresses should be made out of material that can deal with tights and flow around the tights, or else the winter dresses cannot be worn in winter and they become useless.
Heavy Sweaters and Coats with Short Sleeves Coats with dainty sleeves that end in the middle of your forearm look totally ladylike and vintage and also give you the unique sensation of still being cold while also having a huge coat on.
Vintage Party Pants and Skirts With Huge Holes in the Ass Area. It seems that some women will wear their unique, vintage bottoms until the day they outgrow them so much their ass tears a hole through the back. Instead of just throwing them away, they then sell these bottoms to a thrift store. Stores should stop accepting this, because sorting through a bunch of '70s bell-bottoms with huge ass tears is an annoying way to shop.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Dallas and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.