83 Things We Learned in 2012
With a long lens, you can see Kate Middleton's boobs.
Everyone needs to be nicer to the weird kids.
Don't leave the monkey in the car too long when you're at IKEA.
Jon Stewart is always correct.
God is great, God is good, we must photograph our food.
Whitney Houston was a bigger mess than anyone knew.
When Twitter goes down, it's like being thrown into solitary.
Zuckerberg owns us all.
"Don't send email to your mistress" should be part of orientation for becoming head of the Central Intelligence Agency.
They'll tell you kale chips are good, but they are not.
Miss America isn't famous anymore.
Armageddon didn't start after Obama was re-elected.
Somehow we hoped Neil Armstrong and Larry Hagman would live forever.
Abe Vigoda is still alive (and will be 92 in February).
Jessica Simpson's body rejects her goal weight.
Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte was perfect as "the sex idiot" on 30 Rock.
A cater waiter with a cell phone video can affect a presidential election.
Hulk Hogan forgot to check for hidden cameras.
People in the Middle East are allowed to miss a lot of work days protesting.
Gyms and coffee shops are full all day now.
Nobody's figured out what LinkedIn is good for.
We will never run out of Kardashians.
We love videos aboutcats
who play with cardboard boxes.
Horrible TV commercials sell a lot of car insurance.
Karl Rove thought the fix was in.
Now when Glenn Beck has a weepy meltdown, nobody has to see it.
If you need to dump a body, leave your cell phone at home.
Turns out women regard their vaginas the way NRA members regard assault weapons.
Book Clint Eastwood as your keynote speaker and don't be surprised when he wings it.
Queen Elizabeth has a sense of humor.
You can fool some Tour de France drug testers some of the time, but not forever.
Katie Holmes isn't so dumb after all.
More women want to read about rough sex than actually have it.
Christmas happens every 10 months now.
A fat South Korean pop singer made the world do "horse dancing."
Ann Romney's dancing horse crapped out at the Olympic Games in London.
The Dowager Countess of Downton ended World War I with her fiery glare.
The chiseler who carved the Mayan calendar simply quit when he reached December 21, 2012.
Big Tex was flammable.
Never let your kid go to sleepovers in the coach's basement.
Hollywood rewards skinny actresses when they get even skinnier for a role. (Talkin' to you, Anne Hathaway.)
Somebody at NBC doesn't like Ann Curry.
Everybody at NBC loves Richard Engel.
Hurricane Sandy was a Cloverfield monster.
The Illuminati ordered Beyonce and Jay-Z to name their baby Blue Ivy.
Paleo is the new South Beach.
"Real Housewives" never are.
Prince Harry invented strip billiards.
Affleck can direct.
The knuckleball is back.
George W. Bush has become so invisible, he could have been sitting in that chair next to Eastwood.
Governor Rick Perry can't remember a list of only three things.
The side effects of that drug you're taking include "sudden unexplained death."
Oprah couldn't successfully program her own TV channel.
Steve Martin can't write funny in 140 characters.
Russell Crowe can't sing.
Lindsay Lohan can't drive.
Donald Trump can't help himself.
Nothing can kill Charlie Sheen.
Saturday Night Live needs more Alec Baldwin.
Lena Dunham is funny only if you've never seen I Love Lucy or The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
Jerry Seinfeld is an old guy.
Snooki is a mom.
Hillary Clinton had bigger priorities than her hair.
Unfriending is sometimes the only way.
Don't try to cannonball into a frozen swimming pool.
Jimmy Fallon is worth staying up for.
Climate-wise, Canada is looking better.
Mars is boring.
Bedbugs are the worst vacation souvenirs.
Daniel Craig is the best Bond.
Cruise ships are floating vomitoria.
Bill O'Reilly just makes up shit in his "history books."
Kickstarter is the new Medici family.
Almond milk is delicious.
Cops will still hit people even when they know they're on camera.
Turns out, people like and need Obamacare.
P90X and Crossfit hurt, but they work.
Gay marriage just means wittier thank-you notes.
No good deed goes un-Tweeted.
When a man says he doesn't want to be president, take him at his word.
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