Hey everyone, who's ready for the annual Hollywood stroke-a-thon hosted by Billy Crystal! Clapping! Mild tears! Montage of people who died!
Anyway, Billy Crystal's skeleton is hosting this year's Oscars. We're sure it'll be a barn burner of joke delight, as the best of Hollywood comes together in their gorgeous clothes in the middle of the used condom that is Hollywood Boulevard. There'll be droll asides, a possible musical interlude and awkward shots of composer John Williams' farty body (he's nominated twice, you see).
Which reminds us: Let's start a drinking game! It's a moral imperative. If you're having a party, maybe you can employ the following rules (or add some of your own in the comments):
If Billy Crystal Makes a Joke About Being Short Take a drink.
Awkward Cut-Away to George Clooney Drink.
REALLY Awkward Cut-Away to Christian Bale Drink.
If Billy Crystal Starts Singing Out of Nowhere Two quick, rapid succession drinks.
If Billy Crystal References The Godfather Take a long drink.
If Billy Crystal Makes a Joke about the Oscars Telecast's Length Do a shot.
Hey, look! Another Awkward Cut-Away to George Clooney Drink again!
Oscars Speech Gets Fumbled or Cut Off With Sweeping Orchestra Drink.
When the Old Guy Comes Out to Talk About the Academy Leave the room and take a drink somewhere else.
If Sacha Baron Coen Ignores His "Oscar Ban" Take a sip of the best liquor you have.
Silent Movie Jokes! Take a drink.
Vampire Jokes! Drink.
Random, Arcane Mike Myers Appearance Drink.
If Jonah Hill Wins an Oscar Drink.
Every time the Words Girl, Dragon or Tattoo are Mentioned Drink.
Every time Steven Spielberg Looks Oppresively Bored Drink.
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Any Mention of Michael Bay's Transformers Take a drink.
Any Film Footage Billy Crystal Inserts Himself In Take copious drinks. (h/t former Observerer Merritt Martin)